Fun Zone · Animal

Jokes

The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.

Horses at the Race

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.'' The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?'' The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

Bear & Rabbit

The bear looks at the rabbit and says,"Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbits says,"No..." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Baskin Robbins

Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?" To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How about some Baskin Robbins?"

Bad Heart

Q: What do you do when a pig has a heartatack? A: You call an hambulance!

Bad dog

Q) What do you call a dog with no legs? A) It doesn't matter, he won't come!

Animal Sounds

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

An Elephant Never Forgets

A man recently bought a bull elephant for 50 grand. He decided to make big bucks out of the elephant. He trained the elephant not to jump no matter what then he set up a challenge to make the elephant jump. The prize money was 10 grand. To play this game, the challenger must pay 1 grand to the guy before playing. Lots of people came and tried all sorts of tricks to make the elephant jump but without success. Until the a guy show up and decided to take up this challenge. He paid the elephant owner 1 grand and went to his car and took out a golf club. He held the club behind him and walked around the elephant. After walking around the elephant a few times, he stopped right behind the elephant. He raised his club and swung as hard as he could right smack between the elephant's hind legs. Being a bull elephant, it leaped twenty feet into the air and landed with a crash. The elephant owner, disgusted with the elephant's performance, paid the guy with the golf club his 10 k. After that, the elephant owner decided to create another challenge. The prize money was now double but so was fee required to pay. This time, the challenge was to make the elephant shake it's head. Again, lots of people came to make the elephant shake it's head and they all failed until the same guy with the golf club came again. He paid the elephant owner 2 grand and once again took out his golf club. Once again, the guy with the golf club walked aroung the elephant. This time, he stopped in front of the elephant. "Hello." The guy said. "Remember me?" The elephant nodded. "Remember this golf club?" The guy asked, showing the elephant his glof club. The elephant nodded. "Remember what I did to you the last time?" The elephant nodded nervously. Then the guy said "DO YOU WANT ME TO DO IT AGAIN?!"

A Cat's Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant! DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed later! DAY 762 - I Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at un-Godly hours of the night! DAY 765 - I Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. . . I must try this with their baby! --Kitty

Trying To Fly

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted." Trying To Fly has a funny rating of 2.50 out of 5. Was it funny?

The Blonde And The Cute Sheep

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!" The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Duck walks into a feed

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, ''Got any duck feed?'' The clerk tells him, ''No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it.'' The duck says, ''Okay'' and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, ''Got any duck feed?'' Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves. Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, ''Got any duck feed?'' The clerk says, ''I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor.'' The duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks in and asks, ''Got any nails?'' ''No,'' comes the reply. ''Got any duck feed?''

3 Dogs

A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: "Ah, you're lovely, aren't you?" she says to the first dog. "What's your name?" To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles." Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And what's your name then?" Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles." And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles." "No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful day."

Kangaroo Fence

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

Looking to buy a frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Hit a sparrow

A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a sparrow. He pulled over, picked the poor sparrow who was still alive, but unconscious. He decided to take him home. When the motorist got home, he put the sparrow in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside. When the sparrow came to, he looked around and said: "Bars, bread, water... Oh my God!! I have killed the motorist!!!"

The Talking Dog

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

The Pessimist

Friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of thinking. The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat. They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat. The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?" The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?

On The Run From A Bear

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

Anthill Golfing

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

Thirty-thousand Cockroaches

A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches at once." "What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk. "Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."

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