Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
Relationships Before and After
Relationships Before and After
FunnyWife's Golf Shot
Anthill Golfing Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
FunnyLearn a new word each day
Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with. Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does. Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots. Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians. Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm. Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins see with. Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring. Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife. Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two. Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines. Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official.
FunnyNew Definitions
New Definitions Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read. Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught. Dictionary : A place where success comes before work. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Divorce : Future tense of marriage. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes. Father: A banker provided by nature. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet." Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power... Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
FunnyDefinitions for Parents
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the mashed carrots. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own. PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes. STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas. WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a washrag."
Funny10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper. 8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
FunnyYou are a Nerd If
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal If you have more toys than your kids If you need a checklist to turn on the TV If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
FunnyLogic Amongst The Sciences
A mathematician, biologist and physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist concludes: "They have reproduced." The mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."
FunnyKid's View On Science
- You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. - When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. - When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. - While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. - Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. - A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. - Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil. - Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. - Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers. - We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. - I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. - Rain is saved up in cloud banks. - Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man. - Thunder is a rich source of loudness. - Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound. - It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.
FunnyMedical terminology
Artery -- Study of paintings Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U Caesarean section -- District in Rome Cat scan -- Searching for kitty Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her Colic -- Sheep dog Coma -- A punctuation mark Congenital -- Friendly D&C -- Where Washington is Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events Dilate -- To live long Enema -- Not a friend Fester -- Quicker Fibula -- A small lie G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game Grippe -- Suitcase Hangnail -- Coathook Impotent -- Distinguished, well known Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee Labor pain -- Got hurt at work Medical staff -- Doctor's cane Morbid -- Higher offer Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate Node -- Was aware of Outpatient -- Person who had fainted Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis Post operative -- Letter carrier Protein -- Favoring young people Rectum -- It almost killed him Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery Rheumatic -- Amorous Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf Secretion -- Hiding anything Seizure -- Roman emperor Serology -- Study of knighthood Tablet -- Small table Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport Tibia -- Country in North Africa Tumor -- An extra pair Urine -- Opposite of you're out Varicose -- Located nearby Vein -- Conceited
FunnyEvaluation comments
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed. HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. HAPPY: Paid too much. WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying. WILL GO FAR: Relative of management. SHOULD GO FAR: Please. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything. DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
FunnyMother's dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too. Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside. Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins. Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him. Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it. Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own. Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms. Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. Show off: A child who is more talented than yours. Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything. Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children. Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. Verbal: Able to whine in words Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house. Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
FunnyA man's translations
WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry. We need... = I want It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You’ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to. I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like. I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead. Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. In response to What’s wrong?: The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot!
FunnyThe guide for all men
WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry. We need... = I want It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You’ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to. I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like. I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead. Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. In response to What’s wrong?: The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot!
FunnyWorker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?" One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."
FunnyLearn a new word each day
Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with. Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does. Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots. Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians. Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm. Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins see with. Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring. Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife. Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two. Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines. Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official.
FunnyNew Definitions
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read. Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught. Dictionary : A place where success comes before work. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Divorce : Future tense of marriage. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes. Father: A banker provided by nature. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet." Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power... Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
FunnyDefinitions for Parents
Definitions for Parents FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the mashed carrots. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own. PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes. STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas. WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a washrag."
Funny10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper. 8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
FunnyMale or Female
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. The best submissions: SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part. SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually indicate it did not pay attention to your question. WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on. SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people. REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying. CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained?