Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
BECKY PEDIGO: GOOD AMERICAN CITIZEN
Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Boilermaker hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for Purdue!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for Northwestern!" Seeing this, the Buckeye walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!!!" and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.
School and CollegeBAD GIRLS VS GOOD GIRLS
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it. Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better. Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls. Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed. Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''
School and CollegeBABE WATCH
This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment when he spots this gorgeous babe sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he's ever seen. He watches her for 3 days straight, and can't stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string: ''If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then faster another 10."
School and CollegeANTHONY SZPAK: ATHLETES THANKING GOD
It's fun to watch sports. I'm just tired of athletes bringing up God at the end of the game. It doesn't fit, does it? There's nothing more annoying -- some big freak on the screen after a game, 'Yeah, I want to thank God for helping me win. He answered all my prayers.' What? Yeah, maybe you ought to pray for something a little more important, like literacy.
School and CollegeAMSTERDAM SEMESTER ABROAD
Possible Courses: ESSENTIALS OF BONG DESIGN: Discover earth, water, wind, and fire as the tools you'll need to get rid of your syllabus... some killer hashish. SMUGGLING 101: Who says the party's over? Years of commerce have made this Northern culture an expert at turning a rectum into a set of luggage. MEDIEVAL CONDOM USE: Even Sir Lancelot had a rash. Discover how centuries of crotch scratchers protected their privates with specially designed shields. THE DEVELOPMENT OF PUKE: Our native-born instructors take students from heaving to hurling. ARCHITECTURE OF EARLY MODERN BROTHELS: With the aid of walking tours and guest hooker lecturers. Thousands of foreign students are discovering the joyous wonder of learning about another culture while being stoned off their ass! Just listen to what these former students had to say: "Yeah, man." -- Sully, 20 "Amsterdam was... dude, I'm really hungry." -- Daphne Ocampo, 19
School and CollegeA SPECIAL NIGHT IN IOWA
Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa? A: Prom.
School and CollegeA LESSON IN GOVERNMENT
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''
School and College69ER'S GET SACKED
Q: Why is 88 better than 69? A: Because you get ate twice.
School and CollegeBlonde Challenge
Q: What is long and hard to a blonde? A: Fourth grade.
School and CollegeCalifornia
Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Hella.
School and CollegeBlondes Blow It
Q: What's it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer.
School and CollegeBlonde Alumna
What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? "Would you like fries with that?"
School and CollegeThe homework schedule
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes. 15 minutes looking for assignment. 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment. 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children. 8 minutes in the bathroom. 10 minutes getting a snack. 7 minutes checking the TV Guide. 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment. 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
School and CollegeA lecture about English
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
School and CollegeA bribe for your professor
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
School and CollegeHistory paper research on the Internet
Man: "How's your history paper coming?" Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful. Man: "Really?" Woman: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell them!"
School and CollegeI will do anything to pass
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens. "Anything??" "Absolutely anything." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
School and CollegeWhy must we learn this?
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information" "To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.
School and CollegeDiscussing Grades
A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed. "What's the matter, son," asked his mother. "Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet." "What do you mean `all wet?'" "I mean," he replied, "below C-level."
School and CollegeSweep the Floor
Your first job will be to sweep the floor. But I'm a college student the young man replied. In that case give me the broom - I'll show you how.