Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
BRIAN KILEY: SHOT AN ELK
I went hunting for the first time. I shot an elk. I felt really bad at first, but the guy was wearing a plaid leisure suit.
PoliceBRIAN KILEY: FIRST CONFESSION
It's been a big year for my eight-year-old. Two months ago, he made his first confession. Took the cops four hours to break him. He's got some willpower.
PoliceARDAL O'HANLON: EXPECTATIONS
If you expect a kick in the balls and you get a slap in the face, then it's a victory.
PoliceANDY BLITZ: BOXING EXPLANATION
I think violence is wonderful, but what I object to in boxing is the total lack of explanation as to what happened between these guys to cause this fight to break out.
PoliceAMY BARNES: TUBA THEORY
I chose the tuba based on this theory: if you're not cool enough to be a cheerleader, make sure you're carrying something big enough to knock one on her ass.
PoliceALONZO BODDEN: BLACK PEOPLE DON'T HIJACK PLANES
Black people don't hijack planes, alright? Now I'll be the first to admit, we steal a lot of stuff, but we do not hijack planes. In fact, in the history of aviation, a black person has never even attempted to hijack a plane. Do you want to know why? Because you can't sell an airplane.
PoliceA LESSON IN GOVERNMENT
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''
PoliceDUI Test
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.
PoliceMounted Police
There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when Little Johnny, on his new shiny bike, stopped beside him.
PoliceBlonde’s Police Application
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders the desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. To just 'play along' and humor her.
PoliceCops Say The Darndest Things
So you think you're the only one who can be funny when getting pulled over by a cop? Well, in this edition, the police officer strikes back! All those cop jokes we've been posting have finally caught up to us, a police (or as he preferred to be called... peace) officer out of Nevada sent us this little list of things cops like say too...
PoliceBrokeback Mountain – Deputy Edition
A few overworked deputy sheriffs deserved a vaction, together they decided to go on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleap two per room so they could afford the trip.
PoliceSo This Cop Was Writing A Parking Ticket
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
PoliceThe Unethical Duties
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..." This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians"
PoliceThe Corniest Police Joke Ever
A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road. He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands. A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: "It looks like he's topped himself"
PoliceThere Was a Police
Once there was a police man and one day on duty he saw a man with a brick on a leash. Being the man that he was he went over and said to the man and said nice dog you got there. The man replied, "it's not a dog its a brick dumb ass!" The policeman said "I'm really sorry for wasting your time" feeling embarrassed and strolled away quickly. When the policeman was out of site the man bent down and whispered to the brick: "Got him there didn't we Rover?"
PoliceWhile Driving Along The Back Roads
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4". "What do you think?" one asked the other. The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
PoliceLettter For The Inside
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
PoliceFlooring The Ferrari
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
PoliceAn old farmer
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket." "Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep," the farmer said. "Those are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" "Them flies that circle a horse's ass," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" The trooper angrily asked. "Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies.