Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
After You
"Have you heard my knock-knock joke?" asked the blonde. "No," said the brunette. "Okay," said the blonde. "You start."
BlondeAdventures in Disneyland
Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland and came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.
BlondeAdding Blonde
Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator? A: She couldn't find the 10 key.
BlondeA Little Voice
A man was mowing his lawn when he heard his neighbor, who happened to be a blonde, come out of her house. She opened her mailbox, looked inside and slammed it shut. She stomped her foot and went back inside. The man thought ''how weird.'' A few minutes passed and sure enough, the blonde came out of her house again, checked her mail box, stamped her foot and went back inside. The man stopped mowing and checked her mailbox to see what was so wrong with it. After seeing nothing, he went back to mowing just shrugging his shoulders. As soon as he heard her coming out again, he shut off his mowing machine and went up to her. ''What in the world are you doing, coming out here every five minutes?'' The blonde looked up at the man and said, ''Well, you see, there's this little voice in my house that keeps on saying, 'You've got mail,' but when I come out here to check, I don't have any.''
BlondeA Death in the Family
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
BlondeA Brunette a red head and a blonde were in ...
A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us." So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down. The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!" The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!" So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets. So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF." "It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop. The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW." "It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop. The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"
BlondeA Blonde's Theft
A blonde goes to the library to get a book. A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it." The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"
BlondeA Blonde's Special Picture
Q: Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room? A: So she could use it as a mirror.
BlondeA Blonde's Brain At Work
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
BlondeA Blonde's Brain
Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? A: Pregnant.
BlondeA Blonde at the YMCA
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign for the YMCA? A: "Look, they spelled Macy's wrong!"
BlondeA Blonde & Her Waitress
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911? A: She can't find the eleven.
BlondeA Blonde & Her Thermos
A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.
Blonde911
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911? A: She can't find the eleven.
BlondePet Zebra
What did the blonde call her pet zebra? Spot
BlondeFun With Cops
So you're bored? How about some games you can play with your local law enforcement? Bonus points if you can do any of these without getting hit over the head with a nightstick. Double bonus if you can do all of these without getting the death penalty.
BlondeTwo Prostitutes, One Sign
A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: "Two Prostitutes - $50.00." A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.
BlondeRedhead, Brunette and Blonde At A Firing Squad
Three women are about to be executed for crimes they committed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
BlondeI Love Older Women
To set this up, I've been married for nearly 25 years. The other day I took a look at my wife said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV... but I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blonde every night."
BlondeStuck In A Snowstorm
While driving during a horrible snowstorm, a young blonde became disoriented and lost. She remembered what her father had once told her. ''If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.'' Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes.