Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
CAT HOSPITAL
Q: Why did the cat go to the hospital? A: To have a CAT scan done.
AnimalANIMAL ROTATION
Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies? A: A rotisserie chicken.
AnimalANIMAL LIVES
Q: What has more lives than a cat? A: A frog -- it croaks every night.
AnimalA WOMAN'S FOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS
Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals? A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.
AnimalA SACK FULL OF CHICKENS
Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack. The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight." The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."
AnimalA MAN AND HIS PET GIRAFFE WALK INTO A BAR...
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home. As he's leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?" "Hmph," says the man. "That's not a lion -- it's a giraffe."
AnimalA KANGAROO WALKS INTO A BAR...
A kangaroo walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Blood is the lipstick of all wounds." The bartender does not know how he said this or why.
AnimalA GUMMY PROBLEM
Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road? A: He was stuck to the chicken's foot. Tweet Share
AnimalA GRASSHOPPER WALKS INTO A BAR...
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"
AnimalA BEAR WALKS INTO A BAR.
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"
AnimalA Dog's Life
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home, with my non-stop chatting and nagging wife, he's trying to catch up on his sleep...... Can I come with him tomorrow? Thanks !
AnimalBullfight Buffer
A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious. The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?" And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"
AnimalBlack And Brown
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman pinscher.
AnimalBlondog
Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head? From chasing parked cars!
AnimalBirdman
Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'" Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?" Mother: "Because we need the eggs."
AnimalThe Bat Bet
Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people." The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."
AnimalThe Ant
Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat? A. Because he was pissed off!
AnimalTHE ANSWER
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"
AnimalDog Property Rules
1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If its in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If its broken, it's yours.
AnimalInstalling a Carpet
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''