Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
A WRINKLE IN TIME
A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?" "Yes," the grandpa replied. "Did God make you too?" "Yes," the grandpa said. "Well," the little girl said, looking at his wrinkles and thinning hair. "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!"
ChildrenA PERFECT CIRCLE
Q: What did the farmer use to make crop circles? A: A Protractor
ChildrenA NIGHT'S SLEEP
On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either. The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. “What's wrong?” asked Johnny. “Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery -- we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night.”
ChildrenA MAN'S LOGIC
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
ChildrenA LITTLE BOY WROTE TO SANTA ...
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
ChildrenA LESSON IN MORALS
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched." Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
ChildrenA LESSON IN GOVERNMENT
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''
ChildrenA JOKE OF GENIUS
Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA? A: Do these genes make my butt look fat.
ChildrenA DISNEY BREAK-UP
Mickey and Minnie have been having problems for some time now. After hearing of Barbie and Ken's breakup, they too decide to call it quits. Donald goes to Mickey to console him and says, "She's been a problem since day one. I'm glad you finally saw that she's crazy." Mickey looks at Donald and replies, "No, I broke up with her because she's f**king Goofy."
AnimalCAT HOSPITAL
Q: Why did the cat go to the hospital? A: To have a CAT scan done.
MarriageAT THE DOOR
Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.
DoctorANIMAL ROTATION
Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies? A: A rotisserie chicken.
DoctorANIMAL LIVES
Q: What has more lives than a cat? A: A frog -- it croaks every night.
DoctorDIRTY KNEES
Q: What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? A: The head nurse.
DoctorWHEN YOU PULL THAT OUT
One day a man took his wife to the doctor and says, "All she likes to do is do it. Can you help her?" The doctor replies, "Come back in an hour." The man leaves so the doctor can perform his treatment. One hour later the man returns to discover the doctor having sex with his wife. The man says, "What are you doing?!?" The doctor says, "Taking her temperture." The man replies, "When you pull that thing out it better have some numbers on it!"
DoctorWOMAN DENTIST
I would like to see a woman dentist, says the man to the dental receptionist. "Why?" asks the receptionist. "I'd like to hear a woman say 'open your mouth,' instead of 'shut up.'"
FunnyRelationships Before and After
Relationships Before and After
PoliticalCHRIS CASE: LEGALIZE IT
We've been trying to solve this drunk driving problem for years, and there's an obvious solution: legalize marijuana. I just think it's safer than alcohol. I'd rather be stoned driving a car than drunk 'cause when you're stoned, you think every car's a cop.
PoliticalCHARLIE VIRACOLA: PARKING TICKET
I got a $290 parking ticket today. Do you folks hear me? A $290 ticket, man. My car only cost $240.
PoliceBRIAN KILEY: SHOT AN ELK
I went hunting for the first time. I shot an elk. I felt really bad at first, but the guy was wearing a plaid leisure suit.