Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
ANIMAL ROTATION
Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies? A: A rotisserie chicken.
DoctorANIMAL LIVES
Q: What has more lives than a cat? A: A frog -- it croaks every night.
DoctorDIRTY KNEES
Q: What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? A: The head nurse.
DoctorWHEN YOU PULL THAT OUT
One day a man took his wife to the doctor and says, "All she likes to do is do it. Can you help her?" The doctor replies, "Come back in an hour." The man leaves so the doctor can perform his treatment. One hour later the man returns to discover the doctor having sex with his wife. The man says, "What are you doing?!?" The doctor says, "Taking her temperture." The man replies, "When you pull that thing out it better have some numbers on it!"
DoctorWOMAN DENTIST
I would like to see a woman dentist, says the man to the dental receptionist. "Why?" asks the receptionist. "I'd like to hear a woman say 'open your mouth,' instead of 'shut up.'"
DoctorAL CLETHEN JR.: SAFE SEX
Sex is so weird now. Remember the old days when all you needed for safe sex was a padded headboard?
DoctorA TRIP TO THE DOCTOR
A woman and her husband go to the doctor because the woman is complaining of shortness of breath. After fifteen minutes, the woman comes out into the waiting room and says, "Apparently, my problem is that I have a nice cooter." "Excuse me?" says the husband. "That's what the doctor said. My problem is that I have a nice cooter." The husband is a bit angry and goes in to talk to the doctor. "What's this about my wife having a nice cooter? I need a damn good explanation." "That's not what I said," replies the doctor. "I said she has acute angina."
DoctorA CRAZY PERSON IN THE WOODS
Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods? A: They take the psychopath.
Doctor$10 COMPLAINT
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
DoctorDoctor, you've got to help me
The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. The doctor says, "Next, please."
DoctorDoctor I have a pain
The patient says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea." The doctor says, "Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink."
DoctorThe Old Family Physician
The old family physician being away on vacation, entrusted his practice to his son - a recent medical student. When the old man returned, the youngster told him among other things, that he cured Miss Ferguson, an aged and wealthy spinster, of her chronic indigestion. "My boy," said the old doctor, "I'm proud of you, but Miss Ferguson's indigestion is what put you through college."
DoctorThe Diagnosis
How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
DoctorUnethical Duties
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..." This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians"
DoctorAn Old Couple At The Doctor
An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in. The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first." The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs." The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him." The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's peeing in the fridge again!"
DoctorBirth Control Pills
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
DoctorThe Mother And Daugher
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said. The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant." The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?" "No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?" "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."
DoctorThe Waiting Room
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company." The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
DoctorWill It Hurt Much Doctor
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!"
DoctorAn Old Couple At The Doctor
An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in. The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first." The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs." The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him." The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's peeing in the fridge again!"