Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
BlondeFootball Finally Makes Sense
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right at the fifty yard line. It was exciting too, a real nail biter. After the game, he asked her if she had a good time.
BlondeBlonde, Redhead And Brunette In A Potato Farm
Three girls were on the run from the cops - a red head, a brunette, and a blonde. During the subsequent high speed chase the red head spotted a potato farm and suggested that the girls should hide out there.
BlondeDear Alcohol
First let me say that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).
BlondeA Blonde At Western Union
A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."
BlondeRenting An Adult Movie
A blond decides to do something she's never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.
BlondeIntelligence Island
Three blonde women were stranded on an island. While trying to dig their way out, one of them came accross a buried lamp. Suddenly a genie appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish, in return for saving him.
BlondeBlonde The Builder
Two blonde chicks were building a house together. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.
BlondeCigarette Condoms
A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.
BlondeThe Blonde Painter
An ambitious young blonde woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type. She began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
BlondeMilk Bath For Beauty
An older blonde woman heard through a friend that taking a milk bath is good for the skin, will cure stretch marks and make her beautiful again. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk instead of the usual amount.
BlondeFellowship of Blondes
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
BlondeThree Blondes In The Forest
Three blondes are walking through the forest. They come upon some tracks. The first blonde says, "They're deer tracks." The second blonde says, "They're bear tracks." The third blonde says, "They're moose tracks."
Blonde2 Really Dopey Blondes
Two blondes are on a bus and one of them looks out the window and see's two other blondes in the middle of a feild rowing a boat. She turns to the other blonde and says "Its blondes like that who give us blondes a bad name." and she replied "yeah and if i could swim i'de kill her!"
BlondeCartwheeling Blondes
What goes blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette? A blonde doing cartwheels!
BlondeBlonde Pearls
What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios? Doughnut seeds! Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet ? So she wouldn't wake up the Sleeping Pills How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day? When her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil! How did the blonde hurt herself raking the lawn? She fell out of the tree!
BlondeThe During Messy Divoce
A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child. In order to make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with. "Well, Johnny" says the Judge, "Would you like to live with your Mother?" "No" replied Johnny, "she hits me all the time" "Well then," the Judge continues, "Would you like to live your your Father?" "No" replied Johnny again, "He hits me all the time too!" The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy "Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?" "I'd like to live with Watford Football Club" the boy replied quickly. "Why on earth would you want to live with the Watford Football Club?" replied the now extremely puzzled Judge. "Well" replied Johnny, "They never beat anyone"
BlondeThe Mirror
Legend has it that there is a coffee bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie ---*poof*------- you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. A redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *Poof* the mirror swallows her up. Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I'm the sexiest woman alive". *Poof* the mirror swallows her too. Then, an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...". *Poof.
BlondeCar Swerving
A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
BlondeThe Redhead
A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde." "I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."