Fun Zone · Children

Jokes

The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.

Hi, Daddy!

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work. When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, hon." "Thank God, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"

Counting Sheep

Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town. Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep. The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded: "Nana?" "Yes?" "There are 38."

Tickets

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

Darkness

A Little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

Dinosaur Plumbing

Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.

Henry Ford

The fourth-grade class was studying the development of the auto industry. The teacher had emphasized the role played by Henry Ford, whose assembly lines decreased production costs. At the end of the unit, she gave a test including the question: "What did Henry Ford invent that made buying a car more affordable?" One of the students wrote: "0% financing."

Eye Laugh

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride, from Dayton, Ohio, to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each grandson a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?" replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

I was very lonely when I was a child

I was very lonely when I was a child. I only had two imaginary friends... And they would only play with each other.

Close Your Eyes

Julie and kids had just returned from church. My 5 and 7 year old kids were showing me the faces they'd drawn in Sunday school. Now, museum quality they're not, but these were particularly unbalanced. I asked them why. My 7-year-old explained, ‘we were supposed to close our eyes and pretend we were blonde.’' I can only assume he meant blind.

Bathroom Procedure

On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

True Stories

A father knelt with his son to hear his prayers. The three year old boy began in all seriousness: "Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do You know my name? And another four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shall not kill." Newly assigned officers to a Naval Air Station are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lieut Commander, kind-of became an Uncle to the family's only 4 year old daughter. One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that they were always broke.

Heaven Bound

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

Misstep

I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old...I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for my child. My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"

First Man

A Sunday School teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible was. "Hoss." said Willie. "Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam." "Aw, shucks!" Willie replied. "I knew it was one of those Cartwrights."

Mother of Jesus

A ten year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, 'Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?

The seagull

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

My Wish for My Grandchildren

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better. I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches, I really would. I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn, and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen. It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep. I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in. I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him. When you want to see a movie and your little brother wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him. I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely. On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom. If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one. I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books. When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head. I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like. May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole. I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend. I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle. May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays. I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand. These things I wish for you -- tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life. Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you. -Paul Harvey

The Kittens

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,"There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

First Time in Church

The little girl went to church for the first time. As she was leaving with her parents, the minister asked how she had liked church. "I liked the music," she replied, "but the commercial was too long."

A very dirty little fellow

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

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