Fun Zone · Children

Jokes

The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.

The Dalmatian

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Kids In Church

After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun top stand up and yell than to set down and listen."

A priest at the preschool

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?” He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?” The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?” “Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”

English Essay

Jimmy's English teacher was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Jimmy handed in a poor paper. "This is the worst essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the teacher. "It has too many mistakes. I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes." "One person didn't," replied Little Jimmy defensively. "My father helped me."

A Second Wife

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'" One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

Can I Play with the Boys?

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and said, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

What It Means

Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by. She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"

Who would Know?

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of hisfront door onto the porch. Someone called 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regainconsciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. "It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower!"

Noah took unto himself a wife

Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."

Were You Born In A Barn?

Our son was constantly wandering in and out of the house, leaving the front or back door wide open. "Once and for all, will you PLEASE close that door!" my exasperated wife pleaded one day. "Were you born in a barn?" "No, I was born in a hospital," he replied, smirking, "...with automatic doors."

Making Babies

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

Lost Weight

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks. "Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183." Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

Feeding Shamu

At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why. No amount of discussion could get him to change his mind. Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason for his reluctance. An aunt had told him how exciting the show would be because "They choose children from the audience to feed Shamu."

An Old Leaf

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

Kids Talk About Love

"What does love mean?" These are answers from 4 to 8 year olds. When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toe nails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. Rebecca - age 8 When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouths. Billy - age 4 Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other. Kari - age 5 Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs. Chrissy - age 6 Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. Terri - age 4 Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him to make sure the taste is OK. Danny - age 7 Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and my daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss. Emily - age 8 Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. Bobby - age 7 If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate. Nikki - age 6 Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day. Noelle - age 7 Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. Tommy - age 6 During my piano recital, I was on stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore. Cindy - age 8 My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night. Clare - age 6 Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken. Elaine - age 5 Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford. Chris - age 7 Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day. Mary Ann - age 4 When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you. Karen - age 7 You really shouldn't say "I LOVE YOU" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. Jessica - age 8 And the winner was a 4 year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed on top of the man's lap and just sat there. When the boy's mother asked him what he'd said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

Soldier's Coffee

This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men, and she asked him why they were there. Her grandson replied, "On television, they say, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

The Verge

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?" Another child said, "The Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."

A Walk by the Sea

A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson. And, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand. The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"

Say the Blessing

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Queen Size

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size". He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"

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