Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
How Old?
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. "Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."
ChildrenCan I Help?
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking." The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
ChildrenThanks X2
Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly to the boy, "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for this lovely pie." "If you don't mind, ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, "would you thank her for two pies?"
ChildrenKids these days
Kids these days, they grow up too quickly and know entirely too much too soon. I mean this one friend of mine was trying to get his boy into Nursery Rhymes. All that happened was that the boy told his shrink that his Father had a lot of problems, including a fixation that a cow could orbit the moon.
ChildrenAir Museum
I recently took my 5 kids to the Naval Air Museum in Pensacola Florida (a great museum and free admission). They have one room that is full of real cockpits for the kids to sit in. I lifted my 4 yr old daughter into one cockpit that had side by side seating for the pilot and co-pilot. When my daughter got in she said "Good - this one's two player!"
ChildrenBig White Circles
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown." I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
ChildrenSarahrella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them." Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged. The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again." The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
ChildrenJumping on Beds
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?" He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
ChildrenCan I Help
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking." The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
ChildrenA lesson in ebonics
A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." "Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."
ChildrenA good student
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blankfaces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for thepeople, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", saidMartinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history thanyou do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans.""Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to theteacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If yousay anything else, I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit toChandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."
ChildrenA fortunate coincidence
John: "I'm glad you named me John."Mother: "Why?"John: "Because that's what all the kids at school callme."
ChildrenA first-grade teacher was overseeing her students
A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is," then she walked over to the next child.The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."
ChildrenA first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.The teacher held up a picture of a cat."What animal is this?" she asked. "A cat!" said Eddie."Good job! Now, what is this animal?""A dog!" said Eddie."Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of aDeer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,"It's what your mom calls your dad.""A horny bastard," called out Eddie.
ChildrenA fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked
A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's theproblem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again.""Well, uh, yes, it is." replied Carol. "I was stupid and made myhomework paper into a paper airplane.""Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said theteacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand itin.""Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see,the plane was hijacked."
ChildrenA clear moral
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteerto tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto theroad." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands". The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly anymoral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he'sbeen drinking."
ChildrenMy father wants me to have everything
?My father wants me to have everything he did not have when he was a boy?. ?What didn?t he have?? ?All ?A?s on his report card?.
ChildrenSonu was saying her bedtime prayers
Sonu was saying her bedtime prayers: ?Please God, make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy,?..... ?Why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?? Sonu?s mother asked. And Sonu replied: ?Because, that is what I put in my Geography exam!?
ChildrenDifference between anger and exasperation
Little Ernie was having a problem with his homework. ?Dad,? he asked, ?What is the difference between ?anger? and ?exasperation??? ?Well, son,? said his father, ?I?ll give you a practical demonstration.? His father picked up the phone and dialled a number. ?Hello,? said a voice at the other end. ?Hello,? said Ernie?s father. ?Is Melvin there?? ?There is no one called Melvin here!? the voice replied. ?Why don?t you look up numbers before you dial them?? ?You see?? said Ernie?s father. ?That man was not at all happy with our call. But watch this!? He then dialled the number again, and says, ?Hello, is Melvin there?? ?Now look here!? the voice said angrily. ?I told you there is no Melvin here! You have got a lot of nerve calling again!? ?Did you hear that?? Ernie?s father asked. ?That was ?anger?. Now, I will show you what ?exasperation? is!? He dialled once again. And on hearing the voice at the other end, Ernie?s father said: ?Hello! This is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me??