Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
The Little Red Hen
Once upon a time, on a farm in Arkansas, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?" "Not I," said the cow. "Not I," said the duck. "Not I," said the pig. "Not I," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did; The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen. "Not I," said the duck. "Out of my classification," said the pig. "I'd lose my welfare," said the cow. "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did. At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen. "That would be overtime for me," said the duck "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the cow. "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig. "If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves." "Excess profits!" cried the cow. "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. The pig just grunted in disdain. And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen. "Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle." And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand." But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established. Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared, as long as there was free bread.
PoliticalNight Watchman
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11). Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08). Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so they laid off the night watchman.
PoliticalDo all fairy tales begin with “Once Upon A Time?
A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with “Once Upon A Time?” “No,” he replied. A whole lot of them begin with “If elected I promise…”
PoliticalAt the height of a political corruption trial
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn't it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question. “Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
PoliticalCandidate Clinton vs. President Clinton
Candidate Bill Clinton: Cut taxes for middle class President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise them Candidate Bill Clinton: Vowed not to tamper with Social Security President Bill Clinton: Wants to tax more SS benefits Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed energy tax cuts President Bill Clinton: Wants energy tax increases Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed he had the ability to raise $45 billion by making foreign corporations pay their fair share of U.S. taxes President Bill Clinton: Modified and lowered his figure to only $11 billion Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed Medicare payment cut of only $4.4 billion and ran ads attacking Bush for recommending more cuts President Bill Clinton: Wants at least $34 billion in Medicare cuts Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised a guarenteed college education for anyone wanting one President Bill Clinton: Proposing to spend $98 million--it will only cover 4,800 students in the freshman class at the University of Maryland Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised 10% income surtax on millionaires President Bill Clinton: Wants to impose the surtax on those with taxable incomes greater than $250,000 Candidate Bill Clinton: Would raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $200,000 President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $30,000 Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed to be able to reduce the deficit by taxing rich, foreigners, and corporate polluters President Bill Clinton: Said he cannot reduce the deficit without taxing the elderly, motorists, and farmers Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised workers he would require their employers to pay for retraining President Bill Clinton: Put that idea on hold Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised to increase minimum wage President Bill Clinton: Wants to keep the wage the same Candidate Bill Clinton: Attacked Bush's policy of sending illegal Haitians back to Haiti President Bill Clinton: Decided to maintain Bush's policy on Haiti. Candidate Clinton, campaign ad, January 1992 "I've offered a comprehensive plan to get our economy moving again....It starts with a tax cut on the middle class." Candidate Clinton, Jan. 12, 1992 "I want to make it very clear that this middle-class tax cut, in my view, is central to any attempt we're going to make to have a short-term economic strategy." President-elect Clinton, Jan 14, 1993 "From New Hampshire forward, for reasons that absolutely mystify me, the press thought the most important issue in the race was the middle class tax cut. I never did meet any voter who thought that." President Clinton, first Oval Office address, Feb. 15, 1993 "I had hoped to invest in your [the middle class's] future...without asking more of you. And I've worked harder than I've ever worked in my life to meet that goal. But I can't." Candidate Clinton, last presidential debate, Lansing Mich., Oct. 19, 1992 "The real mistake he [President Bush] made was the 'read my lips' promise in the first place. You just can't promise something like that just to get elected if you know there's a good chance that circumstances may overtake you." President-elect Clinton, press conference, Jan. 14, 1993 "We have a structural deficit that is too high. The American people would think I was foolish if I said I will not respond to changing circumstances."
PoliticalHere is a free puppy
The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had. He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing." The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats." Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats." The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now." Bill says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?" She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."
PoliticalFind out who is in control
At a recent interview, it seems that Bill Clinton broke out in rage after being asked a line of questions about him being controlled. Interviewer: "Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?" Clinton (visibly upset): "You leave Hillary out of this!"
PoliticalDecoding the speeches of Bill Clinton
Some key definitions to help decode Clinton's speeches. More will be added as the President's meaning becomes clear. Remember, do not attach meaning to words, it's symbolism that is important. All - Clinton's constituency. as: We ALL must make sacrifices to restore America's economic health. Ask - Clintoneze for legislate. i.e. asking: legislating. Campaign promise - actually, this is a misspelling. It really is champagne promise. Change - (verb) redefinition of the term "tax cut" to its true meaning, "contribution". (noun) That portion of your income that will now be heading to Washington, As: The change we are asking for is necessary if we are to restore America's (and, uh, Washington's) economy to number one in the world. Contribution - that portion of your "excess" income that Washington believes it can make better use of than you. This '90s term is designed to make you feel good while Uncle Sam picks your pocket. Formerly known unpopularly as "taxes" (shhh. don't say the T word out loud, it's not politically correct). Courage - Ability to perform a humanitarian act or deed without regard to personal safety or welfare. As: America had the courage to elect Bill Clinton as president. First lady - This term has been replaced by the title "co-president" Middle class - That portion of society whose range of income extends from the end of the poor to the beginning of the wealthy. Also known as the mule class or the "burdened" class. Poor - What the middle class becomes after it makes its contribution. Sacrifice - Clintoneze for the act of denying self in order to make your contribution. as: We must sacrifice for the good of all. Formerly known as socialism, it has proven itself effective in places such as China, Cuba, Rumania and the Soviet Union. One need only talk to citizens of these nations to see the effect. Spending cuts- What the president promised during his campaign. He will help you make these by asking you to have the courage to make your contribution. as: Increased contributions must be balanced by the appropriate spending cuts. We - You, me, us, them. As: You know we must sacrifice for the good of all. Since the president and congress are none of the above, they are not part of we. Wealthy - Anyone making $1.00 a year more than you (elected officials are exempt). This is the class of society that, to quote Commerce Secretary, Ron Brown, "made out like bandits during the '80's". Mr. Brown didn't do too shabby himself during that time. He made hundreds of thousands annually lobbying congress on behalf of several major Japanese corporations. Of course now he is just a humble "servant" of the people.
PoliticalClinton's wish for world peace
Clinton is on the beach at Martha's Vinyard and finds that an old bottle has washed ashore. When the Prez opens it a very wan Genie snakes out. Genie: Hi Bill. I'm a very weak genie, so I can only grant you one wish--it had better be easy if you want me to do it. Clinton: I pray for world peace. Give me that. Genie: That's a little hard, give me something easier. Clinton: Make Hillary into the most beautiful woman in the world? Genie: World peace it is.
PoliticalHillary goes to heaven
Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can." So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes. When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?" St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth." Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?" St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery." Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?" St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan."
PoliticalThe Presidential watches
A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says--"you are suppose to read his lips". He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and notices that it isn't running - the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it doesn't run, it runs, it doesn't run . . ." He then notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk how much. The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax . . ."
PoliticalThe search for intelligent life
Captain Kirk and an away team, searching for intelligent life on other planets, traveled down to Earth after going through a time disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle of Clinton's inaugural ball. After looking around, Kirk says: "Beam us up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down on this one."
PoliticalTragic Crash
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field. The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians. A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie."
PoliticalBrand New Kittens
Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens." Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," the child says. "Oh, that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off. A couple of days later, Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box. Al says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are." The boy replies, "They're Republicans." "Whoa!" Al says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?" "Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."
PoliticalYour Presidential Candidate is Under-Qualified
Top 10 Signs Your Presidential Candidate is Under-Qualified 10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii. 9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing". 8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy". 7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares. 6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut. 5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?" 4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?" 3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all. 2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!" 1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a lifeline.
PoliticalPoliticians are honest
Politicians are an honest, moral, ethical and outstanding group of people. I say this because I've just spent a week dealing with car salesmen.
PoliticalDo all fairy tales begin with “Once Upon A Time
A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with “Once Upon A Time?” “No,” he replied. A whole lot of them begin with “If elected I promise…”
PoliticalAt the height of a political corruption trial
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn't it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question. “Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
Political10 dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey
An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a 10 dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they were not home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: HONEY! Our son is going to be a politician."
PoliticalGovernment purchasing specifications
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole. 2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe. 3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside. 4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date. 5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site. 6. All pipe over 500ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe. 7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must have the words "long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe. 8. All pipe over 6" (152mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe. 9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle. 10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way. 11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way. 12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.