Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
Chin-Chin
Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors. The judge looked at Chin-Chin's lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client ..." "Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn't help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary, you'll have no choice but to agree." The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."
AnimalWho Gets The Dog?
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." The reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
AnimalSpace Monkeys
NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space. As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!" At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off. Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!" At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks. Another two hours later mission control announced, "This is mission control to the astronaut..." At this the astronaut responded "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."
AnimalTwo Lions
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle. All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory. The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory. While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night. After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot. When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."
AnimalAirline Rage
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"
AnimalSome race horses staying in a stable
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
AnimalParking
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!" The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."
AnimalA Dog's Telegram
On a slow day with few customers, a clerk at a telegram office looks down from her counter and sees a dog waiting in line. "Oh, aren't you cute?" she says. "What would you like me to put on your telegram?" "Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow," the dog replies. The clerk says in a cutesy voice, "But you can add another 'Bow wow wow' for the same price." The dog responds, "Now wouldn't that sound a little silly?"
AnimalCamping Tips
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants. A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills. When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone. A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup. A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
AnimalDevotion
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said. "What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
AnimalThe Navy Chief and his Parrot
The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot. First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, “Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.” The old chief told the parrot, “We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.” The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, “If you keep this up, I'll put you out in the chicken pen.” Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen. About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, “By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!”
AnimalJesus Is Watching You
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."
AnimalMay I take your order, sir
A waiter approached the man studying the menu carefully at the fancy restaurant. "May I take your order, sir?" he asked. "Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chickens." The man replied. "Oh, it's nothing too special, sir," the waiter confided. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
AnimalPuppy Love
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this." The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked. He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
AnimalA Dog at the Movies
Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?" "Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"
AnimalThe Art Collector
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
AnimalCat and Mouse
There was a cat and a mouse who went to heaven, and they were there at the same time. Well, the mouse approaches God's throne, and God asks him, "So, how do you like it up here?" The mouse says, "It's nice, but could I get a pair of roller skates?" God says, "Sure." So, the mouse gets his roller skates. Well, the next day, the cat approaches God's throne, and the same question is directed at him. So, he answers, "It's great! I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!"
AnimalMad Cow Disease
One day two cows were chatting over the fence between their two fields. The first cow said, "I'm telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I've heard it's spreading so fast that it's already on Farmer Rubin's land just down the road!" The second cow replied, "So what? It doesn't affect us chickens!"
AnimalGoing Out
A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
LawyerThe First Witness
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within five minutes!”