Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
The Funeral
A lawyer attended the funeral of a rich man. A friend, arriving late, took a seat beside him and whispered, "How far has the service gone?" The lawyer nodded toward the clergyman in the pulpit and whispered back, "He just opened for the defense."
LawyerLawyers and the Truth
A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?" The father thought for a moment. "Yes, son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."
LawyerA Penthouse In Heaven
The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment. The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge. Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer. "A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important." "With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"
LawyerHell's in bad shape
There was a fence that divided Heaven from Hell. One day God notices that the devil's side is in pretty bad shape. It is falling down, badly in need of paint, weeds growing up around it, etc. So, God hollers over the fence, “Hey Satan, why don't you fix up your side of the fence?” Satan hollers back, “Why don't you mind your own business.” So God says, “I'll hire a lawyer and sue you if you don't.” The devil replies, "Yeah, right. Where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
LawyerA Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer
A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, 'I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn.' So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, 'There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.' So, the Rabbi says, 'I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn.' A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn. So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow
LawyerA truck drivers duty
A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road." But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."
LawyerBe My Valentine
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
ChildrenBig White Circles
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown." I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
ChildrenKids these days
Kids these days, they grow up too quickly and know entirely too much too soon. I mean this one friend of mine was trying to get his boy into Nursery Rhymes. All that happened was that the boy told his shrink that his Father had a lot of problems, including a fixation that a cow could orbit the moon.
ChildrenCan I Help?
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking." The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
ChildrenCareer Change
When Ruth's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up." Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he couldn't. Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?" Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"
ChildrenPlaying House
A boy of three and a girl of four, were playing house one day. They played that they were man & wife and they were going away. As they knocked upon a neighbor's door, the little girl bowed low saying, "This is my husband and I'm his wife. We're visiting you you know. "Come in, come in," the lady at the door said, "and take yourself a seat. I'll bring you both some lemonade and something good to eat." She gave them each a tall glass and a cookie on a plate. Later, she offered them a second cup of frosty lemonade. "Oh no, thank you", the wee lass said, as she took the small boy's hand, "We really have to go now. My husband wet his pants"'
ChildrenHe's only interested in one thing
A daddy teased his little daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class. The little girl was quite indignant. "No, daddy, I don't like him!" she stated. "He's only interested in one thing." Shocked, the daddy cautiously asked what that one thing might be. "Power Rangers, of course," said the toddler.
ChildrenThe Doorbell
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!
ChildrenHome Donations
A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can." "To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."
ChildrenWho to Blame
When you have three young boys it is hard to know who to blame when something goes wrong in the house. One father explains how he solves the problem: "I just send all three to bed without letting them watch television. In the morning, I just go after the one with the black eye."
ChildrenWorm
Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail. Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave." Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me." Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh. Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate. So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!" Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"
ChildrenSmall Talk
The service area was located on a main highway leading to the beach. The pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to tank up. When a rusty old station wagon containing a very tired looking couple and seven screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants. "Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours or is this a picnic?" Wearily, the driver relied, "Yes they are all mine and it is NO picnic!"
ChildrenHi, Daddy!
A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work. When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, hon." "Thank God, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"
ChildrenCounting Sheep
Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town. Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep. The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded: "Nana?" "Yes?" "There are 38."