Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
Flooring The Ferrari
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
PoliceAn old farmer
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket." "Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep," the farmer said. "Those are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" "Them flies that circle a horse's ass," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" The trooper angrily asked. "Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies.
PoliceA police Officer
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."
PoliceDrunk Driving
Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over. The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."
PoliceFunny Criminal
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"
IndianSon marrying
Dad to his feiend: My wife is unhappy because our son is marrying an american girl. I am happy because he is not marrying an american boy.
IndianPercentage from building bridge
An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the Senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings. He asked "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?" The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window. "Can you see the river?" "Yes" "Can you see the bridge over it?" "Of course", said the minister. "10 per cent", said the senator smugly. Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house, the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc. etc. "How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in RS?', he asked. The minister called him to the window. "See the river over there?" "Sure", cried the senator. "Can you see the bridge over it?" The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said - "No, I don't see any bridge." "100 percent", said the minister!!
IndianA begger in busy street
A man and his wife were walking on a busy street. Coming to a corner a begger shouted out to the lady: "Oh sundari!!! andhha huu. sawa panch rupya de de" (Oh beautiful!! I am blind give me five and a quarter rupees) At once her husband told her: "de de, de de, tujhhe sundari bola hai to har haal me ye andhha hi hai!!" (Give him what he asks, If he thinks you are beautiful then there is no doubt that he is blind!!)
IndianIndian's Business Mind
God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining to his subordinates ............... "Look everything should be in balance. For every 10 deer there should be a lion. Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States. I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension.... And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.... And here is south America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests... So you see fellows, everything should be in balance." One of the angels asked... "God, what is this beautiful country here?" God said "Aha...that is the crown piece of all. INDIA. My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains. A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live. Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold....." The angel was quite surprised "But God you said everything should be in balance."
IndianLaloo to telephone operator
Laloo to a long-distance telephone operator: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PATNA AND LAS VEGAS?" Operator: "JUST A MINUTE, SIR ..." Laloo: "THANK YOU", AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.
IndianA mug of beer
An insect falls into a mug of beer... African : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away Japanese : Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer. Pakistani : Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for Military aid, takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer. Indian: Accuses Pakistan for helping the insect to infiltrate into the glass, blames it as long term ISI operation, terms the insect as a Pakistan SSG commando in undercover operation and vows to defend every inch of the glass and every drop of the beer and demand that US should declare Pakistan a terrorist state.
IndianIndian team manager
ndian Team Manager : "Hello" (over Phone) Caller :"Can I talk to dada Please,I am his friend and calling from Hyderabad." Indian Team Manager: "Sorry,he went to bat" Dada's friend: "No Problem Manager, I will Hold on"
ChildrenThe mouths of babes
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?" "Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God is doing a lot better job lately."
ChildrenTeacher & little boy
Teacher: Where does God live? Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom. Teacher: Why do you say that? Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?'
ChildrenLakers fan
A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Lakers fan. She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Lakers fans too. Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Lakers fans too, except ONE kid, ...named Josh. The teacher looks at Josh and says, "Josh, you're not a Lakers fan?" He says, "Nope, Im a Sacrmento Kings fan!" She says, "Well why are you a Sacrmento Kings fan and not a Lakers fan?" Josh says, "Well, my mom is a Sacrmento Kings fan, and my dad is a Sacrmento Kings fan, so I'm a Sacrmento Kings fan." The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says, "Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!" Josh says, "Then I'd be a Laker fan!"
ChildrenA small boy
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
ChildrenPraying at bed time
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys kneeled down beside their beds to say their prayers. Suddenly, the youngest boy began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..." His older brother leaned over, nudged his younger brother, and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." The little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
ChildrenGirl about a whale
A girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. By now irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
ChildrenLittle heart
Little Johnny was attending his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag. "When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. "Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart." Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart." After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?" "Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"
ChildrenKids in school think quick
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;