Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
A Martha Stewart Christmas
Dear Santa:I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.I want to slap Martha Stewart.Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher that qualifies as "put away" in my house!Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha.And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.You probably want to smack her yourself.
ChildrenMy father wants me to have everything
?My father wants me to have everything he did not have when he was a boy?. ?What didn?t he have?? ?All ?A?s on his report card?.
FunnyA traveller walking along a road
A traveller walking along a road asked an old man working in a field to how long it would take to get to the next village. But the old man didn?t answer, so the traveller kept walking. He hadn?t gone far when he heard a call: ?Hi, mister, it?ll take you about 20 minutes?. ?Why didn?t you tell me that when I asked you?? asked the traveller. ?How did I know how fast you were going to walk?? replied the old man.
ChildrenSonu was saying her bedtime prayers
Sonu was saying her bedtime prayers: ?Please God, make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy,?..... ?Why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?? Sonu?s mother asked. And Sonu replied: ?Because, that is what I put in my Geography exam!?
ChildrenDifference between anger and exasperation
Little Ernie was having a problem with his homework. ?Dad,? he asked, ?What is the difference between ?anger? and ?exasperation??? ?Well, son,? said his father, ?I?ll give you a practical demonstration.? His father picked up the phone and dialled a number. ?Hello,? said a voice at the other end. ?Hello,? said Ernie?s father. ?Is Melvin there?? ?There is no one called Melvin here!? the voice replied. ?Why don?t you look up numbers before you dial them?? ?You see?? said Ernie?s father. ?That man was not at all happy with our call. But watch this!? He then dialled the number again, and says, ?Hello, is Melvin there?? ?Now look here!? the voice said angrily. ?I told you there is no Melvin here! You have got a lot of nerve calling again!? ?Did you hear that?? Ernie?s father asked. ?That was ?anger?. Now, I will show you what ?exasperation? is!? He dialled once again. And on hearing the voice at the other end, Ernie?s father said: ?Hello! This is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me??
MarriageA man is almost about to die
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
BarA bet made at the local bar
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over
FunnyAn American visiting England
An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby. ?The lift will be down presently,? the receptionist told him. ?The lift?? said the American. ?Oh, you mean the elevator.? ?No, I mean the lift.? replied the Englishman. ?I think I should know what it is called,? said the American. ?Elevators were invented in the States.? ?Perhaps,? retorted the Englishman. ?But we invented the language.?
AnimalBoy was milking his cow
Asmall farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking. To everyone?s astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away . ?Weren?t you afraid?? one of the workers asked the boy. ?Not at all,? the boy replied , ?I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.?
AdultEfficient secretary
When an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he turned her down, saying: ?Your salary is already higher than that of the secretary at the next desk. And she has five children.? ?Excuse me,? the efficient woman replied, ?I thought we got paid for what we produce here?not for what we produce at home in our own time.?
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AnimalPurchasing a new bird
Purchasing a new bird After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
AnimalQuestion and answer animal jokes
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To show the armadillo that it was possible. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get away from Colonel Sanders! Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice? A: Because it was a double-crosser. Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road? A: To take over the other side. Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide. Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach? A: To get to the other tide. Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.