Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
BRIAN KILEY: FIRST CONFESSION
It's been a big year for my eight-year-old. Two months ago, he made his first confession. Took the cops four hours to break him. He's got some willpower.
PoliceARDAL O'HANLON: EXPECTATIONS
If you expect a kick in the balls and you get a slap in the face, then it's a victory.
PoliceANDY BLITZ: BOXING EXPLANATION
I think violence is wonderful, but what I object to in boxing is the total lack of explanation as to what happened between these guys to cause this fight to break out.
PoliceAMY BARNES: TUBA THEORY
I chose the tuba based on this theory: if you're not cool enough to be a cheerleader, make sure you're carrying something big enough to knock one on her ass.
PoliceALONZO BODDEN: BLACK PEOPLE DON'T HIJACK PLANES
Black people don't hijack planes, alright? Now I'll be the first to admit, we steal a lot of stuff, but we do not hijack planes. In fact, in the history of aviation, a black person has never even attempted to hijack a plane. Do you want to know why? Because you can't sell an airplane.
PoliceA LESSON IN GOVERNMENT
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''
School and CollegeBECKY PEDIGO: GOOD AMERICAN CITIZEN
Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Boilermaker hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for Purdue!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for Northwestern!" Seeing this, the Buckeye walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!!!" and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.
School and CollegeBAD GIRLS VS GOOD GIRLS
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it. Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better. Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls. Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed. Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''
School and CollegeBABE WATCH
This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment when he spots this gorgeous babe sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he's ever seen. He watches her for 3 days straight, and can't stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string: ''If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then faster another 10."
School and CollegeANTHONY SZPAK: ATHLETES THANKING GOD
It's fun to watch sports. I'm just tired of athletes bringing up God at the end of the game. It doesn't fit, does it? There's nothing more annoying -- some big freak on the screen after a game, 'Yeah, I want to thank God for helping me win. He answered all my prayers.' What? Yeah, maybe you ought to pray for something a little more important, like literacy.
School and CollegeAMSTERDAM SEMESTER ABROAD
Possible Courses: ESSENTIALS OF BONG DESIGN: Discover earth, water, wind, and fire as the tools you'll need to get rid of your syllabus... some killer hashish. SMUGGLING 101: Who says the party's over? Years of commerce have made this Northern culture an expert at turning a rectum into a set of luggage. MEDIEVAL CONDOM USE: Even Sir Lancelot had a rash. Discover how centuries of crotch scratchers protected their privates with specially designed shields. THE DEVELOPMENT OF PUKE: Our native-born instructors take students from heaving to hurling. ARCHITECTURE OF EARLY MODERN BROTHELS: With the aid of walking tours and guest hooker lecturers. Thousands of foreign students are discovering the joyous wonder of learning about another culture while being stoned off their ass! Just listen to what these former students had to say: "Yeah, man." -- Sully, 20 "Amsterdam was... dude, I'm really hungry." -- Daphne Ocampo, 19
School and CollegeA SPECIAL NIGHT IN IOWA
Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa? A: Prom.
School and CollegeA LESSON IN GOVERNMENT
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''
School and College69ER'S GET SACKED
Q: Why is 88 better than 69? A: Because you get ate twice.
BlondeAfter You
"Have you heard my knock-knock joke?" asked the blonde. "No," said the brunette. "Okay," said the blonde. "You start."
BlondeAdventures in Disneyland
Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland and came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.
BlondeAdding Blonde
Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator? A: She couldn't find the 10 key.
BlondeA Little Voice
A man was mowing his lawn when he heard his neighbor, who happened to be a blonde, come out of her house. She opened her mailbox, looked inside and slammed it shut. She stomped her foot and went back inside. The man thought ''how weird.'' A few minutes passed and sure enough, the blonde came out of her house again, checked her mail box, stamped her foot and went back inside. The man stopped mowing and checked her mailbox to see what was so wrong with it. After seeing nothing, he went back to mowing just shrugging his shoulders. As soon as he heard her coming out again, he shut off his mowing machine and went up to her. ''What in the world are you doing, coming out here every five minutes?'' The blonde looked up at the man and said, ''Well, you see, there's this little voice in my house that keeps on saying, 'You've got mail,' but when I come out here to check, I don't have any.''
BlondeA Death in the Family
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
BlondeA Brunette a red head and a blonde were in ...
A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us." So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down. The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!" The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!" So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets. So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF." "It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop. The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW." "It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop. The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"