Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
Definition of a Good Marriage
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. ---Michel de Montaigne
MarriageDeaf Marriage
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signsback to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 100 times"
MarriageEngagement Ring
The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?" "Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"
MarriageDearest, My Love
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice. After all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
MarriageCutting You Off
Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch. "That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever." "That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting it."
MarriageA neutron walks into a bar
A neutron walks into a bar, sits down and asks for a drink. Finishing, the neutron asks "How much?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
MarriagePlanning Ahead
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
MarriageMarriage quotes
MARRIAGE is a great institution. I'm just not ready for an institution. MARRIAGE is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. MARRIAGE is not a word; it is a sentence. MARRIAGE is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second MARRIAGE is the triumph of hope over experience. MARRIAGE is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Before MARRIAGE, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After MARRIAGE, the 'Y' becomes silent. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
MarriageCommercial Reward
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?" Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, "About 10 years."
MarriageConsiderate
As I was on the way home from a long and stressful day at the office, the car phone rang. It was my husband. "Will you be joining me in the whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked. "What a lovely way to spend an evening," I thought. I was about to tell him how considerate he was when he continued, "Because if you're not, I need to start adding more water to the tub."
MarriageOle and Lena on their honeymoon trip
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.
MarriageTwo doilies
Two doilies As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you." Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked. "Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."
MarriageAttractive Wives
Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"
MarriageHuman Condition
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. MEMORY Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. APPEARANCE Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. COMPREHENSION There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU TO GET MARRIED: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
MarriageGod will provide
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
MarriageMarriage Humor
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
MarriageSmall Town Stop
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "Officer," the man began, "I can explain." "No explanation needed!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I have to tell you something." The man tried again. "Just keep quiet! You're going to jail and I'm notinterested in what you have to say!" the officer barked. A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
MarriageA mild mannered man
A mild mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem. The doctor gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which he read on the way home. When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him, he told her, "From now on I'm the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The undertaker," she replied.
MarriageFriday Night, Just Got Paid
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. It was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
MarriageThe Fiance
After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him. "What are your plans?" he asked Joseph. "I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied. "Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?" "I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained. "And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?" "I will study hard, and God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance. The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out. The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."