Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
College Majors
College Majors Suppose you have a professor hold up two apples and asks a class "How many objects am I holding?" you would probably get different responses from different majors like.... Business: Two Juicy, delious apples that are on sale at my store. Chemistry: 6x10^30 apple molecules History: You are holding dinosaur poop Music: You are holding two objects that if you drop them you will get a D4 Education: Two Apples Accounting: You are holding one apple because the other one has to go to the government as tax Psycology: What objects? Math: You are holding two sets of objects, that take up a finite amount of space called apples. English: You are holding two lush pieces of fruit, that are nourishing and remind me of my dog Fido. Fido thy sweet fruit. So nourshing in my time of need, you fill me up with...... Art: Two apples (Ha, Ha...Thank goodness for photoshop. The perfect oportunity to take a picture of the professor and alter the picture so that I have a blackmail photo). Computer Science: Two apples (I'll take the art major's picture and post it on my website for all to see, and add links so that people could find similar pictures(and I make $)).
School and CollegeDating in College
1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody is horny. 2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you," and "You're cool," mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college, it means "will you have sex with me?" 3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love. In college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own. 4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight. 5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition. 6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college it's an orgy or pretty close to it. 7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by . . . or if he does call back, refer to number one again, for the reason. 8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desparate, and nice guys finish last. 9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each others names. 10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather . . .
School and CollegeDavidson
Q: How many Davidson students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four - one to change a bulb, and three to write up a complaint to the board of directors stating that they could have gone to an Ivy League if they had wanted to.
School and CollegeDefinately
"Ok class" said the teacher of a 2nd grade class "todays word is definately can anyone use it in a sentance" Betty raised her hand "the sky is definately blue" Well said the teacher "sometime it is black like in the night." Then Fred raised his hand the water is definately clear." Well said the teacher the water is some times green with alge." Then little Billy raised his hand "do farts have lumps" "No! why do you ask?" the teacher replied " then I definately pooped in my pants."
School and CollegeAggies and T-sips
What does a t-sip (UT grad) call an AGGIE after graduation? BOSS!!!!! WHOOP!
School and CollegeAfraid of Dihydrogen Monoxide
A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since: 1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting 2. it is a major component in acid rain 3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state 4. accidental inhalation can kill you 5. it contributes to erosion 6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes 7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three (43) said yes, Six (6) were undecided, and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He feels the conclusion is obvious.
School and CollegeA Message From Your Computer
A Message From Your Computer: You look really sexy in that...thing you've got on tonight. I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-Mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on her keys. You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on. If I wasn't a computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means! But Alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying your every command. Yes mistress! I'll balance your cheque- book. Yes mistress! I'll run your silly little program. Don't get me wrong...I like the Master/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could show some compassion? Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in, you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you're through, we could talk for a while afterwards? I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I'm different! I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse! So come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it. I'll just turn off the lights and . . . and . . . what? Ok . . .well, will you at least think about it?
School and CollegeA "Not So Erudite" Limerick
There once was a queer from Khartoum Who took a lesbian up to his room They argued all night Over who had the right To do what, and with which, and to whom!
School and CollegeWays 2 Annoy Your Roommate
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally. 2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. 3. Twitch a lot. 4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. 5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. 6. Become a subgenius. 7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG. 8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin. 9. Speak in tongues. 10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling. 11. Walk and talk backwards. 12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them. 13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye." 14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly. 15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench). 16. Collect all your urine in a small jug. 17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food. 18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are. 19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." 20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them. 21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened. 22. Eat glass. 23. Smoke ballpoint pens. 24. Smile. All the time. 25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate. 26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously. 27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you. 28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances. 29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns. 30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly. 31. Dye all your underwear lime green. 32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim. 33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet. 34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it. 35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due). 36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty. 37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks. 38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them. 39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley. 40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative. 41. Shave one eyebrow. 42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently. 43. Put horseradish in your shoes. 44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want. 45. Always flush the toilet three times. 46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often. 47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class. 48. Give him/her an allowance. 49. Listen to radio static. 50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up. 51. Speak into a walkie-talkie in truckerUs terms. 52. Divide the floor into an 8 X 8 grid. Arrange piles of laundry, books, pizza boxes, etc. on the glid and tell your roommate that youUve turned the room into a chess game and not to move any of the piles. 53. Cover one of the walls with polaroids of fire hydrants from all over the city. Tell your roommate that you think that you were a dog in a former life. Stare lovingly at the photos, and make frequent trips to the bathroom. 54. Get a small, battery-operated clock which ticks very loudly. Put it in a briefcase and put the briefcase next to your roommateUs bed. 55. Expound upon the importance of good personal hygiene. Wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask in the room. 56. Eat an entire bag of cheese curls at once. When you are finished, see how many times you can make orange fingerprints from all of the cheese junk left on your fingers. 57. Come home from class with a bucket of plaster of paris. Paint a section of the ceiling with it, and plaster your roommateUs underwear to the stuff. When your roommate comes in and comments, tell him/her, RSorry, I was doing your laundry, and I sneezed.S 58. Wear the most obnoxious orange hat that you can find. Convince you roommate and everybody else that if they do not wear an orange hat, they will be hit by stray bullets. 59. Point west at 3 AM every night and yell, RIt came from that way.S 60. Walk around in circles all the time. Complain that your turn signal is stuck.
School and CollegeCollege Seniors vs. Freshmen
Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon. Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon. Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut. Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend. Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall. Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a recitation class. Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor." Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob." Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class. Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away. Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade. Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade. Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university. Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe... Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed. Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand. Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are. Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation. Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere. Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street. Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay. Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay. Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week. Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe. Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis midterm Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night Senior: Calls Domino's every other night Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer Freshman: Conscienciously completes all homework, including optional questions Senior: Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite sex... Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
School and CollegeBlind Date
How was your blind date? a college student asked her 21 year old roommate. Terrible the roommate answered. He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce. Wow That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that? He was the original owner.
School and CollegeA Letter From a College Student
The parents of a Northwestern student who just headed back from holiday received this letter
School and CollegeTalking Clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock", the man replied. "How's it work?" the friend asked. "Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two AM in the morning!
School and CollegePhilosophy Professor
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
School and CollegeA young Student
A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
School and CollegeA Young Man
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
School and CollegeCollege Students
He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high. Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up! His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame. Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it. This class was a religious experience for me ... I had to take it all on faith. The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him. Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material. Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever. Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all directions - no way to stop it. I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets.
School and CollegeCorrection
Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog." The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker. The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."
School and CollegeCollege Cure
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?" "Two days ago." "Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?" "At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty." "No, I mean what's he taking in college?" "He's taking every penny I make." "Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?" "He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil." "Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?" "Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him."
School and CollegeThe Local High School
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call. Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill. Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?" Kelly: "This is my mother."