Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
Baskin Robbins
Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?" To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How about some Baskin Robbins?"
AnimalBad Heart
Q: What do you do when a pig has a heartatack? A: You call an hambulance!
AnimalBad dog
Q) What do you call a dog with no legs? A) It doesn't matter, he won't come!
AnimalAnimal Sounds
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
AnimalAn Elephant Never Forgets
A man recently bought a bull elephant for 50 grand. He decided to make big bucks out of the elephant. He trained the elephant not to jump no matter what then he set up a challenge to make the elephant jump. The prize money was 10 grand. To play this game, the challenger must pay 1 grand to the guy before playing. Lots of people came and tried all sorts of tricks to make the elephant jump but without success. Until the a guy show up and decided to take up this challenge. He paid the elephant owner 1 grand and went to his car and took out a golf club. He held the club behind him and walked around the elephant. After walking around the elephant a few times, he stopped right behind the elephant. He raised his club and swung as hard as he could right smack between the elephant's hind legs. Being a bull elephant, it leaped twenty feet into the air and landed with a crash. The elephant owner, disgusted with the elephant's performance, paid the guy with the golf club his 10 k. After that, the elephant owner decided to create another challenge. The prize money was now double but so was fee required to pay. This time, the challenge was to make the elephant shake it's head. Again, lots of people came to make the elephant shake it's head and they all failed until the same guy with the golf club came again. He paid the elephant owner 2 grand and once again took out his golf club. Once again, the guy with the golf club walked aroung the elephant. This time, he stopped in front of the elephant. "Hello." The guy said. "Remember me?" The elephant nodded. "Remember this golf club?" The guy asked, showing the elephant his glof club. The elephant nodded. "Remember what I did to you the last time?" The elephant nodded nervously. Then the guy said "DO YOU WANT ME TO DO IT AGAIN?!"
AnimalA Cat's Diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant! DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed later! DAY 762 - I Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at un-Godly hours of the night! DAY 765 - I Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. . . I must try this with their baby! --Kitty
AnimalTrying To Fly
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted." Trying To Fly has a funny rating of 2.50 out of 5. Was it funny?
AnimalThe Blonde And The Cute Sheep
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!" The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
AnimalDuck walks into a feed
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, ''Got any duck feed?'' The clerk tells him, ''No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it.'' The duck says, ''Okay'' and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, ''Got any duck feed?'' Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves. Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, ''Got any duck feed?'' The clerk says, ''I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor.'' The duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks in and asks, ''Got any nails?'' ''No,'' comes the reply. ''Got any duck feed?''
Animal3 Dogs
A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: "Ah, you're lovely, aren't you?" she says to the first dog. "What's your name?" To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles." Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And what's your name then?" Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles." And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles." "No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful day."
BusinessNice Job
Programmer at this retail chain gets an assignment to add some functionality to four reporting applications. One change request is to add passwords to one of the four applications -- but just one. "Just doing one sounded suspicious to me," says the programmer. "So I decided to code the password logic in a separate module for easy reuse. I only had to add one line of code to the existing executable." Fast-forward six months: The new versions are installed in a handful of stores for beta testing before they'll roll out to 1,000 stores nationwide. Programmer's boss drops by his cubicle to tell him that the users like the password function, but they wanted it on all four applications. How long would it take to add it to the other three? He calculates: add one line of code, compile, do some testing. That's maybe a few hours' work if everything goes as planned -- which it seldom does. "Two days," he tells his boss. She's skeptical. "Are you sure?" she says. "Let's say one week." Programmer shrugs. Boss continues: "Three applications, one week each, I'll tell them three weeks." He tries to explain that he estimated two days for all three applications. She's still skeptical, but after he assures her that with code reuse he really can finish in two days, boss compromises: She'll tell them it'll be done in one week. "I went to lunch, came back and updated all three in about an hour," says the programmer. "The module worked great. I walked over to my boss's office to tell her the news. She asked if I was sure it worked. I assured her it did. "She had already sent the estimate to her manager and, to be safe, she told him two weeks. She asked me not to send it to QA for another week. We didn't want to look too good. "I had a chuckle and started working on something else. A couple of hours later, she forwarded me a note from her manager to the business client. He had padded it another week. I now had three weeks to finish my already completed changes. "I worked on other things for a week, recompiled them so the date was recent, and got a big attaboy for finishing so promptly."
BusinessThe Good Old Days
A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days. "Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."
BusinessWork Break
TO ALL EMPLOYEES Due to increased competition and a keen desire to remain in business, we find it necessary to institute a new policy: EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY We are asking that somewhere between starting and quitting time and without infringing too much on the time usually devoted to lunch period, coffee breaks, rest periods, story telling, ticket selling, vacation planning, and the rehashing of yesterdays TV programs, that each employee endeavor to find some time that can be set aside and known as the WORK BREAK. To some, this may seem a radical innovation, but we honestly believe the idea has great possibilities. It can conceivably be an aid to steady employment and it might also be a means of assuring regular pay checks. While the adoption of the Work Break Plan is not compulsory, it is hoped that each employee will find enough time to give the plan a fair trial. The Management
BusinessThe sales manager was wrapping up her pep talk
The sales manager was wrapping up her pep talk to new staff members. “Just remember this,” she said. “Always be sincere, whether you mean it or not.”
BusinessSon-in-law
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man."To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
BusinessWe Deliver
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."
BusinessNew Model Bathroom Scale
The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair. “Listen to these features it's calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that's not all...” “Very impressive,” interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, “but before I place an order I'll have to try it out.” “Be my guest,” said the manufacturer graciously. No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth, “One at a time, please, one at a time!”
BusinessLacking Intelligence?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
BusinessBlonde Interview
As an administrative assistant at a chiropractic office, I called an insurance company to verify benefits for a patient. Although the call was important, I couldn't reach a human being, only a recording. "Thank you for calling," said the message. "Our office will be closed until two o'clock as we enjoy our Customer Appreciation Week Celebration."
BusinessA real estate salesman and his boss
A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water. “That customer's going to come back here pretty mad,” he said to his boss. “Should I give him his money back?” “Money back?” roared the boss. “What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat.”