Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
Sexy Watch
A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch." Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."
BarMarried Bar Talk
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
BarMagical Mirror
There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there's a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you one wish... but if you lie - POOF! - it swallows you up for eternity.
Bar15 Rules Of Drunk Dialing
Before you go out getting sloppy drunk and start phoning every friend, family, relative, or random person you can come across - there are a few rules you must know. Etiquette is very important, especially when drunk dialing.
BarBelligerent Bear
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
BarDrunk Poker
A man walked into a bar room one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "No problem sir, but I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?". "Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy.
BarTook My Wife To The Bar
A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the bar, so one night he took her along.
BarWalk The Line
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
BarThat Monkey Will Eat Anything
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders a drink. Shortly after, the monkey starts jumping all over the place and acting crazy. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them... grabs some sliced limes and eats them... then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
BarDrunken Reincarnation
James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn't wake up.
BarPirate In A Bar
A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks "How'd you end up with a peg-leg?"
BarTwo Ropes
Two ropes walk in to a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says "Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers." The bartender says "I'm sorry we dont serve ropes in here."
Bar13 Margeritas
A guy walks into a bar and asks for 13 margaritas. The bartender abruptly replies, "Wow sir, that sure is a lot, whats the occasion?"
BarA Pirate Joke
With all the pirates hijacking ships for ransom and stuff like that going on in the news, I figured we'd throw out a pirate joke for your reading pleasure... Argg!
BarThe Confessional Booth
After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.
School and CollegeCollege Majors
College Majors Suppose you have a professor hold up two apples and asks a class "How many objects am I holding?" you would probably get different responses from different majors like.... Business: Two Juicy, delious apples that are on sale at my store. Chemistry: 6x10^30 apple molecules History: You are holding dinosaur poop Music: You are holding two objects that if you drop them you will get a D4 Education: Two Apples Accounting: You are holding one apple because the other one has to go to the government as tax Psycology: What objects? Math: You are holding two sets of objects, that take up a finite amount of space called apples. English: You are holding two lush pieces of fruit, that are nourishing and remind me of my dog Fido. Fido thy sweet fruit. So nourshing in my time of need, you fill me up with...... Art: Two apples (Ha, Ha...Thank goodness for photoshop. The perfect oportunity to take a picture of the professor and alter the picture so that I have a blackmail photo). Computer Science: Two apples (I'll take the art major's picture and post it on my website for all to see, and add links so that people could find similar pictures(and I make $)).
School and CollegeDating in College
1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody is horny. 2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you," and "You're cool," mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college, it means "will you have sex with me?" 3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love. In college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own. 4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight. 5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition. 6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college it's an orgy or pretty close to it. 7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by . . . or if he does call back, refer to number one again, for the reason. 8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desparate, and nice guys finish last. 9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each others names. 10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather . . .
School and CollegeDavidson
Q: How many Davidson students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four - one to change a bulb, and three to write up a complaint to the board of directors stating that they could have gone to an Ivy League if they had wanted to.
School and CollegeDefinately
"Ok class" said the teacher of a 2nd grade class "todays word is definately can anyone use it in a sentance" Betty raised her hand "the sky is definately blue" Well said the teacher "sometime it is black like in the night." Then Fred raised his hand the water is definately clear." Well said the teacher the water is some times green with alge." Then little Billy raised his hand "do farts have lumps" "No! why do you ask?" the teacher replied " then I definately pooped in my pants."
AnimalBear & Rabbit
The bear looks at the rabbit and says,"Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbits says,"No..." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.