Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
Your older brother and sister
I have an older brother, and when we were younger my dad would always say to us when we would misbehave, "Your older brother and sister used to do that....and you don't see them here anymore, do you?" For years we believed that we had an older brother and sister who misbehaved, and my parents got rid of them. Needless to say, we were little angels!!
ChildrenSunday School
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. The he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."
ChildrenStrawberry Fertilizer
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
ChildrenJust Ask Me
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
ChildrenGod's Kids
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he said was, "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we have forbidden fruit!" "No way!" "Yes, way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and he was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
MarriageAnother Late Night
Another Late Night . . . The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is." he replied, "Breakfast."
MarriageDon't Ask Don't Tell
The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee the night we were married." "That's right." she replied, "And do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!" She giggles and says, "Yes, That was it. That was exactly what you said. And now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?" Again, he looks up at her and looks her up and down and says, "Mission Accomplished."
MarriageBill Gates' Marriage
Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night? A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
MarriageDefinition of a Good Marriage
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. ---Michel de Montaigne
MarriageDeaf Marriage
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signsback to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 100 times"
MarriageEngagement Ring
The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?" "Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"
MarriageDearest, My Love
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice. After all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
MarriageCutting You Off
Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch. "That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever." "That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting it."
BlondeFellowship of Blondes
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
BlondeThree Blondes In The Forest
Three blondes are walking through the forest. They come upon some tracks. The first blonde says, "They're deer tracks." The second blonde says, "They're bear tracks." The third blonde says, "They're moose tracks."
Blonde2 Really Dopey Blondes
Two blondes are on a bus and one of them looks out the window and see's two other blondes in the middle of a feild rowing a boat. She turns to the other blonde and says "Its blondes like that who give us blondes a bad name." and she replied "yeah and if i could swim i'de kill her!"
BlondeCartwheeling Blondes
What goes blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette? A blonde doing cartwheels!
BlondeBlonde Pearls
What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios? Doughnut seeds! Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet ? So she wouldn't wake up the Sleeping Pills How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day? When her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil! How did the blonde hurt herself raking the lawn? She fell out of the tree!
FoodWhats For Dinner
There was a white guy a black guy and an aggie, The white guy said "If I have pizza for lunch one more time i am going to kill myself" The black guy said"If I have corndogs for lunch one more time I am going to kill myself" Then the aggie said "if I have a ham sandwitch one more time I am going to kill myself" Next Day The white guy looked in his lunch box the went and shot himself. the black guy looked in his lunch box and then shot himself. the aggie looked in his lunchbox and then went and shothimself. Later that day the police told their wifes the white guys wife said he should of just asked for something diffrent the black guys wife said the samething the aggies wife said I dont know why he shot himself he makes his own lunch!
FoodThe Three Foods
There were three kids that needed a place to stay for the night. They saw a house and knocked..... A farmer ansered the door and the kids asked if they could stay the night. The farmer said yes and told them to sleep in the barn but no matter what DON'T eat his wife's fresh baked pie. So the kids went to sleep. It was 5:00am when they woke up and they were so hungry that they ate the pie. On the next day the farmer was going to punish them and he told them to go pick one fruit each. So thy did. The first kid came back with an orange and the farmer out it up his nose! The second kid came back with a cherry and the farmer put it up his nose! Both kids started laughing and laughung. The farmer said why are you laughing this was supposed to hurt. They said we saw the third kid picking a watermelon.