Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
Making cakes
A mother and daughter were walking through the park one sunny afternoon. They passed a bench where two teenagers were making out. The daughter turns to her mother and asks "What are they doing?" The mother stutters and replies "They are making cakes dear" The next day the mother took the daughter to the zoo. They went to see the gorillas. When they got there the gorillas were shagging in the cage. Again the daughter turns to the mother and asks "What are they doing?" The mother is not as shocked and remembers what she had said to her daughter in the park. "They are making cakes dear" That night the mother and father got jiggy on the sofa. The next morning the daughter comes into the kitchen and asks her mother "Mum, were you and dad making cakes on the sofa last night?" The mother was very embarrassed and turn to her daughter and said "Why dear?" To that the daughter replied "Because i just licked the icing off of the sofa"
FoodBlack man, sex & chocolate biky's
This chick goes to a bar and picks up this guy and they get talkin and they end up going back to her place. about an hour later her husband walks in and see's this guys underwear on the floor. he says "next time i see another guyz pants on the floor im gunna pull out everyone of ur pubic hairs"! the next night she goes to the bar again and says hi to this black dude. she said you wanna come back to my place? and he says only for a chocolate biky. so she gave him the biky and headed home. they got upstairs and she said you wanna get naked? and he said only for a chocolate biky. then she gave him the biky and got naked. then she said to him you wanna root me hard? and he said only for a chocolate biky. so she gave him the biky and they got right into it. about an hour later her husband was coming up the stairs. then she said quick get in the closet and he said only for a choclate biky. so she gave him the biky and he got in. the husband then saw the pants on the floor and said, alright get on the bed and give me the tweezers. then he started pulling them out. he was down to the last black curly son of a bitch and he yelled, "COME OUT YOU BLCK BASTARD" and the black dude in the closet goes only for a chocolate biky!
FoodSpanish Delicacy
One day an american guy visits spain.after watching an exciting bull fight,he goes into a restaurant for dinner.while he waits for his meal, a waitor walks by with a steaming plate of food. the american guy asks the waitor what it is. the waitor relpies that it is bulls testicles from thefight. wlling to try anything once, the american orders one for the next day...... the next afternoon, the american walks into the restaurant and sits down to his meal. when he sees the waitor, hetells him they are delicious, but why are they so much smaller than the ones yesterday? then the waitor tells him, sometimes the bull wins!
FoodStuf It
He laid her on the table So white clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast And then drooling felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide... he looked inside All was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms... And then he stuffed the turkey. Stuf It ha
School and CollegeAggies and T-sips
What does a t-sip (UT grad) call an AGGIE after graduation? BOSS!!!!! WHOOP!
School and CollegeAfraid of Dihydrogen Monoxide
A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since: 1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting 2. it is a major component in acid rain 3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state 4. accidental inhalation can kill you 5. it contributes to erosion 6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes 7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three (43) said yes, Six (6) were undecided, and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He feels the conclusion is obvious.
School and CollegeA Message From Your Computer
A Message From Your Computer: You look really sexy in that...thing you've got on tonight. I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-Mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on her keys. You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on. If I wasn't a computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means! But Alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying your every command. Yes mistress! I'll balance your cheque- book. Yes mistress! I'll run your silly little program. Don't get me wrong...I like the Master/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could show some compassion? Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in, you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you're through, we could talk for a while afterwards? I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I'm different! I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse! So come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it. I'll just turn off the lights and . . . and . . . what? Ok . . .well, will you at least think about it?
School and CollegeA "Not So Erudite" Limerick
There once was a queer from Khartoum Who took a lesbian up to his room They argued all night Over who had the right To do what, and with which, and to whom!
School and CollegeWays 2 Annoy Your Roommate
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally. 2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. 3. Twitch a lot. 4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. 5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. 6. Become a subgenius. 7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG. 8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin. 9. Speak in tongues. 10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling. 11. Walk and talk backwards. 12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them. 13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye." 14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly. 15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench). 16. Collect all your urine in a small jug. 17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food. 18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are. 19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." 20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them. 21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened. 22. Eat glass. 23. Smoke ballpoint pens. 24. Smile. All the time. 25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate. 26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously. 27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you. 28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances. 29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns. 30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly. 31. Dye all your underwear lime green. 32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim. 33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet. 34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it. 35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due). 36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty. 37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks. 38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them. 39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley. 40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative. 41. Shave one eyebrow. 42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently. 43. Put horseradish in your shoes. 44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want. 45. Always flush the toilet three times. 46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often. 47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class. 48. Give him/her an allowance. 49. Listen to radio static. 50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up. 51. Speak into a walkie-talkie in truckerUs terms. 52. Divide the floor into an 8 X 8 grid. Arrange piles of laundry, books, pizza boxes, etc. on the glid and tell your roommate that youUve turned the room into a chess game and not to move any of the piles. 53. Cover one of the walls with polaroids of fire hydrants from all over the city. Tell your roommate that you think that you were a dog in a former life. Stare lovingly at the photos, and make frequent trips to the bathroom. 54. Get a small, battery-operated clock which ticks very loudly. Put it in a briefcase and put the briefcase next to your roommateUs bed. 55. Expound upon the importance of good personal hygiene. Wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask in the room. 56. Eat an entire bag of cheese curls at once. When you are finished, see how many times you can make orange fingerprints from all of the cheese junk left on your fingers. 57. Come home from class with a bucket of plaster of paris. Paint a section of the ceiling with it, and plaster your roommateUs underwear to the stuff. When your roommate comes in and comments, tell him/her, RSorry, I was doing your laundry, and I sneezed.S 58. Wear the most obnoxious orange hat that you can find. Convince you roommate and everybody else that if they do not wear an orange hat, they will be hit by stray bullets. 59. Point west at 3 AM every night and yell, RIt came from that way.S 60. Walk around in circles all the time. Complain that your turn signal is stuck.
School and CollegeCollege Seniors vs. Freshmen
Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon. Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon. Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut. Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend. Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall. Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a recitation class. Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor." Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob." Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class. Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away. Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade. Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade. Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university. Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe... Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed. Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand. Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are. Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation. Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere. Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street. Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay. Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay. Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week. Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe. Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis midterm Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night Senior: Calls Domino's every other night Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer Freshman: Conscienciously completes all homework, including optional questions Senior: Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite sex... Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
ChildrenGrandma Home
When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked. "Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."
ChildrenParenting
Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first. Your Clothes 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. --------------- Preparing for the Birth 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month. --------------- The Layette 1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? --------------- Worries 1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. --------------- Pacifier 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it. 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle. 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in. --------------- Diapering 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not. 2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed. 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. --------------- Activities 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. --------------- Going Out 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. --------------- At Home 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. --------------- Swallowing Coins 1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays. 2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass. 3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!
ChildrenBoots
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,"Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..." Her trial starts next month.
ChildrenWise Advice from Children
"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." - Donna Maria G, age 9 "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you." - Rob P, age 8 "If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it." - Steven B, age 8 "Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs." - Susie F., age 7 "Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense." - Beau M., age 10 "My dog had worms. I think he was going fishing." - Emma B., age 4
ChildrenNew Math?
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"
LawyerThe Kind Lawyer
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
ChildrenWedding Vows
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."
LawyerEarly Shopping Trip
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early sir", replied the defendant. "Well that's not an crime", said the judge! "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened", answered the prisoner.
LawyerA man walked into
A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, ''Is there a criminal attorney in town?'' To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, ''Yes, but we can't prove it yet!''
ChildrenA woman, a bus and a baby
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."