Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
I Own The Fastest Car
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?". The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000." "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure" replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!" Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast! The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"
HumorQuasimodo Gets Depressed
Quasimodo is sat in his study and once again is feeling depressed about how ugly he is. Looking for some reassurance, he goes in search of Esmerelda. When he finds her he asks her once again if he really is the ugliest man alive. Esmerelda sighs and says "Look, why don't you go upstairs and ask the magic mirror who is the ugliest man alive? The mirror will answer your question once and for all" About five minutes later a very pleased looking Quasimodo bounced back back the stairs and gave Esmerelda a great big hug. "Well it worked" Quasmido beamed, "But who on earth is Iain Dowie?"
BlondeThe During Messy Divoce
A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child. In order to make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with. "Well, Johnny" says the Judge, "Would you like to live with your Mother?" "No" replied Johnny, "she hits me all the time" "Well then," the Judge continues, "Would you like to live your your Father?" "No" replied Johnny again, "He hits me all the time too!" The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy "Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?" "I'd like to live with Watford Football Club" the boy replied quickly. "Why on earth would you want to live with the Watford Football Club?" replied the now extremely puzzled Judge. "Well" replied Johnny, "They never beat anyone"
BlondeThe Mirror
Legend has it that there is a coffee bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie ---*poof*------- you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. A redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *Poof* the mirror swallows her up. Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I'm the sexiest woman alive". *Poof* the mirror swallows her too. Then, an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...". *Poof.
BlondeCar Swerving
A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
BlondeThe Redhead
A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde." "I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
BlondeBlonde in First Class
In a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first-class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first-class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first-class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first-class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally persuaded her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first-class section wasn't going to New York."
BlondeBlonde Riding a Horse
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off.
HumorA Managers Dilema
An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
HumorTo Impress The Boss
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
HumorThe Story About Everybody
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
HumorA Day On The Sick
An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning: "I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick." On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage: "well, just how sick are you?" "Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"
HumorThe Intern Public Folder
We have a big intern public folder at work, where all interns can post items and discussions, I found this is very amusing: Intern 1: Does anyone know where and how we can access a high quality scanner and maybe even a photo quality 300dpi printer on campus? Intern 2: Translation: Does anyone know where I can get access to the necessary equipment for making a fake ID? Intern 3: Don't jump to conclusions. He could just as well want it to scan pornographic images. Intern 4: Yes! The past few posts have made it perfectly clear! Intern 1 plans to scan pornographic images onto false identification cards! This will allow him and his friends to: 1) Get into bars 2) Improve the quality of their appearance 3) Give bouncers something to look at besides a smug photo 4) Distract bouncers from the scotch tape edges What a brilliant marketing move! Where can I buy stock in this venture, Intern 1?
HumorApplication Rejections
Baxter Conners Vice President Company 203 203 Wall St. New York, NY 10015 Dear Mr. Conners, Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Sincerely, XXXXXXXX
HumorWant a day off work?
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
HumorPlay the Office Game
Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows: ONE POINT Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk. When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye." To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. THREE-POINTS Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. Shout random numbers while someone is counting. FIVE POINTS At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two". After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!" In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights". Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?" Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now" Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it" Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call. Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.
HumorMistakes on a Resume
These are from actual resumes: "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability." "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap." "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich." "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." "Number of dependents: 40." "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various." RESUME BLOOPERS "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous." "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions." REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB: "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches." "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." "The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers." JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility." "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award." SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job." "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant." PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep." PERSONAL INTERESTS: "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far." SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: "Education: College, August 1880-May 1984." "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse." "Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget." "I'm a rabid typist." "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
TravelDouble-decker Bus
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group for a chartered-double-decker bus trip to London. There are only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus, and only 1 seat on the top of the bus available when they board. The young ladies decide to take turns riding on the top, and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The blonde wins the toss. A couple of hours later, it's the redhead's turn. She takes the steps to the top and sees the blonde, sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white. "What's goin' on?" the redhead asks. "We're havin' a grand old time down below, singing and laughing." The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
TravelVisiting Australia
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm. 2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you. 3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by sausage sizzle. 4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie. 5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce. 6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. We might have very stupid thieves. Or really stinky sand shoes. 7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate. 8. All our best heroes are losers. 9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. 10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold. 11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped. 12. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, we may all just be really hopeless with names. 13. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to neighbourhood mosquitoes. 14. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing. 15. The most popular and widely praised family on any street is the one that just happens to have the swimming pool. 16. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much. 17. The poisoning of Phar Lap remains the purest example of what happens when Australians attempt to take on the outside world. 18. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go. 19. When tipping in a restaurant, we add 10 per cent, and then round down to the nearest large denomination note. Yet, miraculously, we still believe we've tipped 10 per cent. 20. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. Or at least not acted upon. You should take everything. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you are not trying. 21. Unless ethnic, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or fence-leaning is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what back yards are for. 22. Out in the bush, the tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor. 23. A flashy sportscar driven by a middle aged man does not incite envy as in America, but hilarity. 24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle problem that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home. 25. When on a country holiday, the motel neon advertising the pool will always be slightly larger than the actual pool. 26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher. 27. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds. 28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile". 29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when one realizes that the Aeroguard is far, far worse than the flies. 30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one says "cobber".
TravelGrounded
Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. "How come?," his nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained. "Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."