Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
Flight Engineer in Panama
As a flight engineer, I had been stationed in Panama for several months before the December 1989 invasion. Ever since I began my air force flying career, my mother has been concerned about my safety. So I expected a long letter from her expressing her anxiety. But what she sent was a sheet of paper containing six words: “KICK THEIRS. PROTECT YOURS. LOVE, MOM.”
MilitaryQuizzing A Young Naval Student
The grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young naval student. “What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?” “I'd throw out an anchor, sir.” “What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?” “I'd throw out another anchor, sir.” “But what if a third storm sprang up forward?” “I'd throw out another anchor, captain.” “Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these anchors?” “From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir.”
MilitaryA New Soldier Was On Sentry Duty
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?” The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.” “I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.” The general said, “Drive on!” The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.” The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!” The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”
MilitaryLovely Girl
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. “Turn the car around,” he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished. “Driver,” said the major, “you'd be a total loss in an emergency.” “I thought I did pretty well,” the driver said. “That was my girl.”
MilitaryArrange The Meeting
Reports from Afghanistan say that the Marine Special Forces have been seen wearing t-shirts that read: It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden. It's our job to arrange the meeting! ---United States Marine Corps
MilitaryNew Plane
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments. As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, “Uh-oh!” Fearing the worst, I asked, “What's wrong now?” George replied, “I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me.”
MilitaryA Navy officer was cutting through
A Navy officer was cutting through ... A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him. “Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?” the officer demanded. “No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either.”
MilitaryMail Call
During mail call one evening at Marine Corps boot camp, I received several letters from home. The drill instructor was getting irritated at having to keep calling my name. "You must have a lot of people at home who like you, huh?" he barked. "Sir, no, sir!" I shouted. "Oh, so you're calling me a liar?" goaded the DI. Trained as a Marine to think quickly on my feet, I yelled out, "Sir, creditors, sir!" The DI had to leave the room so we wouldn't see him laughing.
MilitaryThe Trip To The Rifle
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”
MilitaryNational Army
During the constitutional convention in 1787 when it was proposed that the National Army be limited to 3,000 men, George Washington whispered from his presiding chair, “Then we should have another article providing that no foreign nation with an army exceeding 3,000 men be allowed to invade.”
MilitaryGI insurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.” “Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”
MilitaryMilitary Life Insurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
MilitaryA military cargo plane
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!" They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!" They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"
MedicalMilitary Language
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building". The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
MilitaryArmy Cadet
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
MilitaryMilitary Control Tower
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
MilitaryChow Time
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
BlondeWhat do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
BlondeBlonde on the Sun
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
BlondeShe Was So Blonde That
She tripped over a cordless phone. She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate. " She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. She studied for a blood test. When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. She sold the car for gas money!