Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
Honor Thy Brother
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
FoodChocolate Ice Cream
A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please." The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate." "In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream." "You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate." "Then just give me some chocolate," he insists. Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'" The man spells, "V A N." "Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'" "OK. S-T-R-A-W." "Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate." The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no stink in chocolate." "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screams.
FoodPraise the Lord
There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!". The atheist yells back, "There is no God". She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord". The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts "Praise the Lord!!!". The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God". The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!"
HumorNo meat on Friday
When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbequing beef every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole. "Ole," they said, "since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there's not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic." Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right. Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it. The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!" Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: "You were born a beef, you were raised a beef", and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, "and NOW you are a FISH!"
MenCandy Dispenser
While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked. As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed. "I see ... it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."
MenChanging a Light Bulb
Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb? A. One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. They just sit there in the dark and complain.
MenDog's life
My wife agrees that I do indeed lead a "dog's life". The way she puts it though is: "He comes in with muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and expects to be fed."
MenGlad I'm A Man
1. We know stuff about tanks 2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase 3. We can open all our own jars 4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group 5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name 6. We can leave a motel bed unmade 7. We can kill our own food 8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness 9. Wedding plans take care of themselves 10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend. 11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack 12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices 13. Everything on our faces stays the original color 14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough 15. We don't have to clean the house/apartment if the meter reader is coming. 16. Car mechanics tell us the truth 17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours withou thinking "He must be mad at me." 18. Same work - more pay 19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character 20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends. 22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" 23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors 24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public 25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes 26. The same hairstyle lasts for years - maybe decades 27. We don't have to shave below the neck 28. A few belches are expected and tolerated 29. Our belly usually hides our big hips 30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons 31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife 32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache 33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes.
MenMen are like
Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
MenWhen a Man Decides To Marry
When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make. Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest. An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merg. Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle. Getting married is one mistake every man should make. A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him. Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence. The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet. and lastly............ Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from gettting a better husband that the one she married!!
MenWhy do men like blonde jokes?
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes? A: Because they can understand them.
MenFancy Cooking
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - Take a clean dish and...."
MenSanta Claus is a Woman?
There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why: First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to "bond" with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat." What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don't care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney. And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup. If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair. The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition would be chocolates and Latte's. Also, a male Santa would judiciously takes a bite from each cookie to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole darn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor. Santa doesn't need to ask directions. A female Santa would get her directions from landmarks. Up in the sky there are no landmarks and no place to ask directions. Besides, she-Santa would never go out driving in the snow and rain at night. She would make Mr. Claus do it and then complain about the way he drove. She-Santa would never say "HO HO HO". She would analyze it too much and think it was somehow demeaning. Would any self respecting female Santa really be seen wearing the SAME outfit year after year? No, she would have to have a new one each year. And red would not be the color. It would be more like pink or purple. She-Santa would not clean up the mess that the deer make. Like you are going to make the deer wait until they get back to the North Pole? Men have years of training with dogs. Yup, Santa's a guy alright!
MenComputer Gender
Why computers should be considered masculine: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. Why computers should be feminine: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
MenPerspective
An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
MenA Husband
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - Take a clean dish and...."
MenMan Discovered
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. Man discovered colors, invented painting. Woman discovered painting, invented make-up. Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented diet. Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented marriage. Man discovered woman, invented sex. Woman discovered sex, invented headache. Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, man was all screwed up after that.
MenThe Most Important
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. Man discovered colors, invented painting. Woman discovered painting, invented make-up. Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented diet. Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented marriage. Man discovered woman, invented sex. Woman discovered sex, invented headache. Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
MenBrain Transplant
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.' The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?' The Doctor quickly responded, '$25,000 for a male brain, and $3,000 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'
MenThe Power of Woman
There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return. When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.