Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
While Enjoying
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days." Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."
HumorIs There Baseball In Heaven?
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven." The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?" "You're pitching on Wednesday."
HumorMinister
A Minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross." The Pastor hollered out, "Grace." The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound." The Pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Suddenly, from the back of the church, a frail little 87 year-old grandmother stood up and, in a tiny quavering voice, began to sing, "Precious Memories."
HumorTwo old men
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?'' ''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.''
MilitaryLittle Johnny In Church
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny." "Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
MilitaryComeback Line
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion Of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.
PoliticalHow Much Is A Billion?
The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" casually think about whether you do, or don't, want that politician spending your tax money!! A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but an advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure in perspective in one of its releases: A billion seconds ago, it was 1959. A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive. A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. And.... A billion dollars ago, was only 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate Washington spends
PoliticalA Woman In A Hot
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude." She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's MY fault.
PoliticalWhat's The Difference Between a Democrat
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline. Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute? A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes. Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road? A: Vultures will eat the skunk. Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish? A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish. Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a lawyer? A: Chelsea. Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat? A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have. Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep? A: Because deep down, they're really good people. Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat? A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. Q: Why did God create Democrats? A: In order to make used car salesmen look good. Q: What is a recent Democrat graduate's usual question in his first job? A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir? Q. How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Just one, but it really gets screwed. Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb? A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark! They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.
PoliticalThings Republicans Believe
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
PoliticalProud to Be a Democrat
A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. "Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary. "Well, what are you?" asks the teacher. "I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks. "Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too." "Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?" Mary smiled. "Then we'd be Republicans."
PoliticalWhile Walking Down The Street
While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." says the Republican. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
PoliticalA Republican
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.
PoliticalA Liberal and a Genie
A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
PoliticalNetwork TV
Network TV is reported to be developing a Texas version of "Survivor," the popular TV show. Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock. Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I voted for Kerry, I'm gay, and I'm here to take your guns." The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner.
PoliticalTwo Tough Questions
Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before looking at the response for this one. Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates. Candidate A. Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with an astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B. He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening. Candidate C. He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, only drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first ... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.
PoliticalThe Supreme Court
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.
PoliticalAn honest answer
If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for. Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily. There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on. An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. Chicken little only has to be right once. "NO" is only an interim response. You can't kill a bad idea. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried. The truth is a variable. A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent. You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way. A promise is not a guarantee. If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.
PoliticalA Guide to U.S. Newspapers
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country. 3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. 9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats. 10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
PoliticalEnd Of An Error
1. Bush: End of an Error 2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway 3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First 4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran 5. Bush, Like a Rock - Only Dumber. 6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President 7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant 8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet? 9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight 10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore 11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance 12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It 13. Who's God Do You Kill For? 14. Jail to the Chief 15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ? 16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full of Crap 17. Bad President! No Banana. 18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language 19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them 20. Is It Vietnam Yet? 21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either 22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand Basket? 23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him. 24. Dub ya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too 25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46 26. Pray For Impeachment 27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century 28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand? 29. One Nation Under Clod 30. 2004: Embarrassed. 2005: Horrified. 2006: Terrified 31. Bush Never Exhaled 32. At Least Nixon Resigned