Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
Government Job
A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?" "Well, we work for the government and we're just dong our job," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back. Now just because Elmer's sick, that don't mean that Leroy and me can't work."
HumorSick Aunt
Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor." "You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"
ComputerWould you define OCR?
OCR - Optical Character Recognition A technology that can take written words and convert them back into computer-readable form, provided they're in the right font, using the correct colors sometimes, at the right point size and pitch, dark enough on the paper, and you're prepared to spend several centuries correcting all the 1's that came out as l's, all the O's that came out as 0's, and all the :'s that come out like ;'s.
IdiotTwo Morons
Two morons were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other nut, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" The second got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"
IdiotWhen The Log Rolls Over
There was two men and an old lady. The first man goes to a hotel and says if he could rent a room and they said yes. So he goes into the bathroom, he is brushing his teeth and he hears,"when the log rolls over we all will die" so he jumps out the window and dies. So now the second man comes in and asks if he could rent a room and they say yes. So he walks into the bathroom and all of a sudden he hears "when the log rolls over we all will die" so he jumps out the window and dies. Next the old lady walks and says if she could rent a room and they said yes. When the old lady walks in the bathroom she hears "when the the log rolls over we all will die" so she looks in the toilet and sees ants floting in a piece of shit and they are singing when the log rolls over we all will die.
IdiotDumb Moari
There was once an English man, an Irish man and a Moari man and they were flyng from New Zealand to the North Pole by airplane. As they were just flyng over Australia the pilot announced that there was to much weight on board and told the people that they had to drop one object of theirs out of the airplane or they wouldn't be able to get to their destination. So the English man drooped a TV, the Irish man dropped a computer the and the Moari man dropped a bomb. About 30 minutes later back in Australia a priest was walking down the road and the he saw a little girl cryng. So he went up to her and said to her "What is wrong my girl?" The girl said "a TV fell out of the sky and killed my father." The priest looked at her then saw a little boy cryng so he went up to him and said "what is wrong??" The boy replied "a computer fell out of the air and put my dog in the hopital." Then the priest saw a boy running down the road laughing so priest went up to him and said "What is so funny?" The boy replied "my mum farted and then the house blow up!!!"
IdiotThe World's Richest Man
The world's richest man, the world's smartest man, the world's oldest man, the pilot and 10 year old boy where on a plane. The pilot came to the back and said to the four "I have good news and bad news and worse news. The bad news is the plane is crashing, the good news is there are four parachutes, the worse news is that I'm taking one." Right after the the piot jumped off with a parachute the world's richest man said I am the worlds richest man so I deserve to leave, then he grabed a parachute and jumped off. Then the world's smartest man grabed a parachute from the little boy and gave a short speech about how the world needed him and then jumped off. Then the old man told the boy to take the last parachute but the boy said "It's ok there are still two parachutes, the world's smartest man jumped off with my backpack."
IdiotStupid People Euphemisms
1. Not the brightest crayon in the box 2. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer 3. Not the cleanest toilet in the bathroom 4. Not the funniest clown in the circus 5. Not the fastest horse in the race 6. Not the sharpest tool in the shed 7. Not the brightest star in the sky
IdiotLifeBoat
After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared. 'I'll grant each of you a single wish,' said the genie. 'I wish I was home,' said the first man. Then, poof! he disappeared. 'I wish I was home, too,' said the second man. Poof! He disappeared too. The third man looked around. 'Gee, I'm kind of lonely,' he said. 'I wish my friends were here with me.'
IdiotCaptain Hook
How did Captain Hook Die? He wiped his arse with the wrong hand! Cleaner version for the kids: He wiped his nose with the wrong hand!
IdiotDumb Hunters
Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck." So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe." So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see." So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"
Idiot3 Criminals in the Sahara
There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed a bank in Egypt. They were caught, convicted, and sentenced to exile in the Sahara Desert and they could each take only one thing. When they met in the desert they each were telling what they had brought. "I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal. "I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second. There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed a bank in Egypt. They were caught, convicted, and sentenced to exile in the Sahara Desert and they could each take only one thing. When they met in the desert they each were telling what they had brought. "I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal. "I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second. "I brought a car door, so that when it gets hot I can roll down the window." "I brought a car door, so that when it gets hot I can roll down the window."
IdiotAn insurance company
Form Feed Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident: Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus. A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows: Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo
IdiotWelfare Applications
For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it. Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference? I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
IdiotAn Inscription Problem
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
IdiotMariah Carey's Quote
Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN "I'm inconsolable at the present time, I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again". When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of "confusion".
IdiotTechnology Problems
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. "She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name," was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numericonly pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. "L-O-W C-E-L-L" Another problem solved.
IdiotStupid People Fearing
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
HumorThe Third Man
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?" "No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."
HumorThere's a Little Old Christian Lady
There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!". The atheist yells back, "There is no God". She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord". The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts "Praise the Lord!!!". The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God". The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!"