Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
AL CLETHEN JR.: SAFE SEX
Sex is so weird now. Remember the old days when all you needed for safe sex was a padded headboard?
DoctorA TRIP TO THE DOCTOR
A woman and her husband go to the doctor because the woman is complaining of shortness of breath. After fifteen minutes, the woman comes out into the waiting room and says, "Apparently, my problem is that I have a nice cooter." "Excuse me?" says the husband. "That's what the doctor said. My problem is that I have a nice cooter." The husband is a bit angry and goes in to talk to the doctor. "What's this about my wife having a nice cooter? I need a damn good explanation." "That's not what I said," replies the doctor. "I said she has acute angina."
DoctorA CRAZY PERSON IN THE WOODS
Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods? A: They take the psychopath.
Doctor$10 COMPLAINT
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
AnimalA Dog's Life
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home, with my non-stop chatting and nagging wife, he's trying to catch up on his sleep...... Can I come with him tomorrow? Thanks !
DoctorDoctor, you've got to help me
The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. The doctor says, "Next, please."
DoctorDoctor I have a pain
The patient says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea." The doctor says, "Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink."
BlondePet Zebra
What did the blonde call her pet zebra? Spot
MarriageYo' Mama Is So Poor Marriage
Yo' Mama is so poor, she got married for the rice.
MarriageYou Bet Your Wife
An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in a honeymoon suite. All night long, the bellboy hears laughing and clapping sounds from their room. The next morning, he asks the old man how he can do it all night at his age. The husband replies, "First, I remove my clothes. Then, I lie down on the bed face up. Then, my wife removes her clothes and lifts up my penis with one hand, and we make a bet. If it falls to left when she lets go, I win; if it falls to right, she wins." The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?" "Then we both win," says the old man.
MarriageGet Your Wife To Scream And Groan
Q: How do you get your wife to scream and groan when you're having sex? A: Let her catch you doing it.
LawyerMy Father The Whorehouse Piano Player
A grade school teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living. Billy proudly stands up and announces, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy's mother and explains what Billy said. Billy's mother says, "Actually, his father's an attorney, but how can we explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
LawyerThe Invention Of The Copper Wire
Do you know how copper wire was invented? Two lawyers fighting over a penny.
LawyerLawyers Word Processor
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor? A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
LawyerWhat Do You Call?
What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats? A total waste of space!
School and CollegeBlonde Challenge
Q: What is long and hard to a blonde? A: Fourth grade.
School and CollegeCalifornia
Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Hella.
School and CollegeBlondes Blow It
Q: What's it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer.
School and CollegeBlonde Alumna
What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? "Would you like fries with that?"
AnimalBullfight Buffer
A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious. The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?" And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"