Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
A Blonde's Theft
A blonde goes to the library to get a book. A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it." The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"
BlondeA Blonde's Special Picture
Q: Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room? A: So she could use it as a mirror.
BlondeA Blonde's Brain At Work
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
BlondeA Blonde's Brain
Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? A: Pregnant.
BlondeA Blonde at the YMCA
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign for the YMCA? A: "Look, they spelled Macy's wrong!"
BlondeA Blonde & Her Waitress
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911? A: She can't find the eleven.
BlondeA Blonde & Her Thermos
A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.
Blonde911
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911? A: She can't find the eleven.
AnimalANIMAL ROTATION
Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies? A: A rotisserie chicken.
AnimalANIMAL LIVES
Q: What has more lives than a cat? A: A frog -- it croaks every night.
AnimalA WOMAN'S FOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS
Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals? A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.
AnimalA SACK FULL OF CHICKENS
Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack. The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight." The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."
AnimalA MAN AND HIS PET GIRAFFE WALK INTO A BAR...
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home. As he's leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?" "Hmph," says the man. "That's not a lion -- it's a giraffe."
AnimalA KANGAROO WALKS INTO A BAR...
A kangaroo walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Blood is the lipstick of all wounds." The bartender does not know how he said this or why.
AnimalA GUMMY PROBLEM
Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road? A: He was stuck to the chicken's foot. Tweet Share
AnimalA GRASSHOPPER WALKS INTO A BAR...
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"
AnimalA BEAR WALKS INTO A BAR.
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"
MarriageADAM FERRARA: 35 YEARS OF MARRIAGE
The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents -- 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years -- what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'
MarriageA MATH PROFESSOR'S MISTAKE
A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me." He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."
Marriage$100 BILL TATTOO
A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."