Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
Proper Diskette Usage and Care
Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the innermechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" drives. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photocopy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive. Diskettes should not be removed or inserted into the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot. If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with Scotch tape to prevent loss of data. Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading... You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to unthaw by microwaving or briefly immersing in boiling water. "Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use. These containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable youngsters. You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command FORMAT/U, or alternately by scratching new sector marks on the disk with a nail file. Diskettes become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your "hard" disks before they become too brittle to use. Make sure you label your data. Staples are good way to permanently affix labels to your disks.
ComputerCustom Software
My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software. One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with 'remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked. Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, “Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?” “Of course not!” the sales gerbil replied. “So, what happens if you press [key combination]?” “Nothing.” “Well, humor me. Do it for me.” “Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . .” and upon pressing the keys . . . the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice. It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.
PoliceA Police car pulled alongside a speeding car
A Police car pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing at the car he was astonished to see that the blond behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolled down his window and shouted "Pullover!". The blonde rolled down her window and yelled back "No, it's a scarf!".
PoliceMore News Headlines
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Juvenile court to try shooting defendant Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84 Stolen Painting Found By Tree Judge To Rule On Nude Beach Police Discover Crack In Australia Men Recommend More Clubs For Wives Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
PolicePolice Quotes
The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "Just how big were those two beers? "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?" "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
PoliceFoiled carjacking
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use it and will shoot if required.... so get out of MY car!" The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly, white woman...... No charges were filed.
PoliceCross Examination
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
PolicePlease come out and give yourself up.
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
PoliceOrganized Crime
No matter how much the government fights it, organized crime just seems to get more organized every day. The police pulled in a Mob kingpin recently and reminded him he had the right to make a phone call. “Just fax the arrest report to my lawyer,” the mobster said calmly.
PolicePolice House Calls
My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute. We spoke with the couple and the problem was quickly resolved. On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door. Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when I heard my partner say.... "If you have any more problems, we'll be in your closet."
PoliceEmergency Call
Dad's pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him--lights flashing. Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call. Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.
PoliceParking Meter
Parking Meter On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"
PoliceRed and blue lights
Judi was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand. The lawyer asked, “When you stopped Judi, were your red and blue lights flashing?” “Yes, sir, they were.” “Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?” “Yes, sir, she did.” “And,” looking at Judi, "what was it she said?” “She said, ‘What disco am I at?’”
PoliceA salesman gave it up to become a policeman
A salesman gave it up to become a policeman... A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. “Well,” he replied, “the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.”
HumorBaseball in Heaven
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven." The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday."
HumorMurphy's Laws of Martial Arts
The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him. The referee will always be looking the other way when you score. You will have trouble with the ties on your dobok pants when members of the opposite sex are in class. The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the instructor will be sick. The instructor will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques. If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer. After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat. After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam. In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours. No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.
HumorToronto
Toronto A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. "Master, you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you." The man thought for a moment and said, "I would like the following three things to happen this year -- The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title." The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.
HumorThe Faster you are
Tom P., the Olympic Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a club with some friends. At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said "Sorry, mate, you can't come in here - no denim." Tom was quite annoyed at this and retorted, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Tom P." "Then it won't take you long to run home and change, will it?" replied the bouncer.
HumorTaking the final exam
Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
HumorStupid Things Actually Said By Soccer Commentators
1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win. 2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long. 3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record. 4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header. 5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts. 6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal. 7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere. 8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win. 9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead. 10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.