Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
Dog Rules, Simplified For Humans
Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. Barking: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark... Licking: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. Holes: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. Doors: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep. The Art Of Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them. Dining Etiquette: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing. Housebreaking: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible. Going For Walks: Rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. Couches: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed. Playing: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall, so you don't injure yourself. Chasing Cats: When chasing cats, make sure you never--quite--catch them. It spoils all the fun. Chewing: Make a contribution to the fashion industry... eat a shoe.
AnimalFlying Dog
A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him." With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop. "There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket. "He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband. "Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!" The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"
AnimalA snail buys a fast new car
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?" The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
AnimalPlaying chess with a dog
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
AnimalWhy did the chicken cross the road twice?
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice? A: Because it was a double-crosser.
AnimalSteven Wright on dogs
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
AnimalBear
Q: What kind of money to polo bears use? A: Ice lolly! Q: Have you ever hunted bear? A: No, but I've been shooting in my shorts! Q: How do you start a teddy bear race? A: Ready, teddy, go! Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp? A: A bear faced lyre! Q: Why do bears have fur coats? A: Because they'd look stupid in anoraks! Q: What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig? A: A teddy boar! Q: What should you call a bald teddy? A: Fred bear! Q: What animal do you look like when you get into the bath? A: A little bear! Q: What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown? A: Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin! Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear? A: Winnie the Pooh!
AnimalA Ant Question
Where do ants go for their holidays? Frants! What do you call an ant who skips school? A truant! What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics? All sorts of antics! What do you call a greedy ant? An anteater! Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path? To trip up the ants! What is even bigger than an elephant? A giant! What do you call an ant in space? Cosmonants & Astronants! What do you call an ant from overseas? Impartant! What medicine would you give an ill ant? Antibiotics! What is smaller than an ant's dinner? An ant's mouth!
AnimalRare birds
Rare birds A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this: Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?" Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." Judge: "Proceed." Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns. Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?" Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
AnimalHe is a very smart dog
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."
ComputerThis is how business is done
This is really brilliant! Check it out. Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son Laloo : I want you to marry a girl of my choice Son : "I want to choose my own bride". Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter." Son : "Well, in that case......Yes" Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter." Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry." Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Ambani : "Ah, in that case.....Yes" Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank. Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president." President :"But I already have more vice-presidents than I need." Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law." President : "Ah, in that case.......Yes." This is how business is done!!!
ComputerInternet is Very Useful
Guy 1: “How’s your history paper coming?” Guy 2: “Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it’s been very helpful. Guy 1: “Really?” Guy 2: “Yes! I’ve already located 17 people who sell them!”
ComputerProblems with my new computer
Dear Mr. Bill Gates, We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice. 1. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this. 2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run ' he ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting. 3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home. 4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem. 5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that? 6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items? 7. It is surprizing that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that. 8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only. 9. You provided "My Recent Documents". When you will provide "My Past Documents"? 10. You provide "My Network Places". For God shake please do not provide "My Secret Places". I do not want to let my wife know whre I go after my office hours.
ComputerWhen Life Becomes A computer
If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over! To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend. Hit "any key" to continue life when ready. To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. When you lose your car keys, click on find. "Help" with the chores is just a click away. Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash. And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to YOU... The train is so crowded that you cannot get anywhere near that nice girl at the other end... You wish there was zoom & 'view full screen' in life! After marriage you realize that there is bound to be a mismatch... You wish there was an evaluation period or at least a sample down load or a demo version! One day you realize that you are turning bald... You wish there was cut and paste in life
ComputerIs Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: 1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that. 2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that. 3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too. 4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too. 5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.
ComputerTesting for Development-Archetypes
Nobody can deny that the goal of software development is to produce the highest quality product possible. The only way to ensure that quality is through extensive testing. Therefore, the following testing programs will be implemented as additions to the regularly scheduled regression testing: Aggression Testing: Punching all developers with an open bug. Confession Testing: All developers must admit what they either cannot do or have blown off. Digression Testing: Developers and analysts must change the subject and ramble when the topic of bugs comes up. Repression Testing: All developers must tell everyone who they secretly want to kill. Oppression Testing: All developers will be required to work 24 hours a day until all bugs are fixed. Depression Testing: All developers must explain which bugs make them sad, and why. Succession Testing: Developers must be able to name the chain of command in the event that a PM dies. Hessian Testing: QA will be redone by German mercenaries. Joe Pescian Testing: All functions to be tested by a hot-headed Mafioso. Please see your PM to get your testing schedule.
ComputerLawyers and computers
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
ComputerCalling Tech Support
Five Things You Do Not Want to Hear when Calling Tech Support 1. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!" 2. In layman's term, we call that the "Hindenburg Effect." 3. "Your problem can be fixed, but you're going to need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery." 4. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if your with '60 Minutes.' Press 3 if you're with the FTC." 5. "Hold on a second, please ... Mom! Timmy is hitting me!!!
ComputerIf Only Life Could Be Like a Computer
If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over! To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend". Hit "any key" to continue life when ready. To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. When you lose your car keys, click on "find". We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately. To feel like a new person, click on "refresh". Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse. To undo a mistake, click on "back". If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".
ComputerAmish Computer Scandal
Amish Computer Scandal Shocks Community. BIRD-IN-HAND, PENNSYLVANIA: In a recent sting operation, the Amish Bureau of Internal Affairs seized literally hundreds of dollars of unauthorized electronic equipment from the backwoods tool shed of Jeremiah and Ezekiel Holzmann. The brothers were in the process of downloading email when the raid took place. Most of the computer equipment taken was apparently purchased at Pagan Electronic swap meets, using fake identification and false mustaches to hide their Amishness. The chief investigator said that they were aware of rumors that the Holzmann brothers were secretly supplying information about the Amish to outsiders, who were then using the information for an Amish web page. The incident shocked the people who knew the Holzmanns. "They were such good people," said Anna Zimmerman, the next door neighbor. "They are leaders in our little church even. But now this" Her husband, Jake, mentioned that the Holzmanns always seemed to be carrying boxes wrapped in brown paper from their wagon to the tool shed. "Whenever I would ask them what they had in the box, they always told me that it was spare parts for their butter churn. It breaks down a lot." The equipment consisted mainly of older model computers, such as old TRS-80s and MacIntosh computers. The brothers claimed that since they were using obsolete technology, they should not be punished. "These are not real computers," claimed Ezekiel Holzmann. "We never even touched a 486, let alone a Pentium. We are using 9600 baud modems, and we powered them by hooking up a generator to the butter churn." Their story collapsed when investigators uncovered an invoice proving that they had ordered a Pentium Pro 233mHz from an undisclosed computer company in South Dakota. When confronted with the invoice, Jeremiah Holzmann fell to his knees, crying for forgiveness. "I told Ezekiel that it would escalate. It started with a desire to get an electric alarm clock so we could get up on time to milk the cows, but then we found a C64 at a barn sale. Soon, we kept wanting more and more equipment, until finally we were reduced to this!" They were sentenced to three years in an Amish Re-education Clinic, where Jeremiah plans to write a book about his shameful addiction to technology. When he mentioned the possibility of an interactive CD-ROM of the book, he was then sentenced to six years.