Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
Actual Headlines
Actual headlines collected from local, national, and international newspapers that are rather ambiguous. It is clear what the writer was trying to say, but in each case there is a funnier interpretation of the headline. Enjoy! Eye Drops Off Shelf Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Panda Mating Fails; Veterninarian Takes Over Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Include Your Children When Baking Cookies Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Lawmen From Mexico Barbeque Guests Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Hershey Bars Protest
ChildrenAll you can drink for a dime
There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand-- it being hot and him being thirsty-- he decided to stop. once he got up to the little boy's stand, he noticed a sign that said "All you can drink 10 cents", well, he thought that it was an awful small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all you can drink, he decided to get some anyway. Well, he gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig. so he slapped it back onto the table and says, "fill 'er up." and the kid says, "sure thing, that'll be 10 cents." To this the business man says, "but your sign says all you can drink for a dime." "It is," the little boy replies, "that's all you can drink for a dime."
ChildrenPlaying House
A boy of three and a girl of four, were playing house one day. They played that they were man & wife and they were going away. As they knocked upon a neighbor's door, the little girl bowed low saying, "This is my husband and I'm his wife. We're visiting you you know. "Come in, come in," the lady at the door said, "and take yourself a seat. I'll bring you both some lemonade and something good to eat." She gave them each a tall glass and a cookie on a plate. Later, she offered them a second cup of frosty lemonade. "Oh no, thank you", the wee lass said, as she took the small boy's hand, "We really have to go now. My husband wet his pants"'
ChildrenRunning Away
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?," he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!," bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!," readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."
ChildrenHow Old?
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. "Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."
ChildrenCan I Help?
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking." The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
ChildrenThanks X2
Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly to the boy, "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for this lovely pie." "If you don't mind, ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, "would you thank her for two pies?"
ChildrenKids these days
Kids these days, they grow up too quickly and know entirely too much too soon. I mean this one friend of mine was trying to get his boy into Nursery Rhymes. All that happened was that the boy told his shrink that his Father had a lot of problems, including a fixation that a cow could orbit the moon.
ChildrenAir Museum
I recently took my 5 kids to the Naval Air Museum in Pensacola Florida (a great museum and free admission). They have one room that is full of real cockpits for the kids to sit in. I lifted my 4 yr old daughter into one cockpit that had side by side seating for the pilot and co-pilot. When my daughter got in she said "Good - this one's two player!"
ChildrenBig White Circles
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown." I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
ChildrenSarahrella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them." Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged. The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again." The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
ChildrenJumping on Beds
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?" He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
ChildrenCan I Help
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking." The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
ChristmasTwas The Day After Christmas
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head. Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while Upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, Went into the kitchen and started to clean. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror. The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN." With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox. Bill after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting he called them by name: "Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's -- all here!! To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall, Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!" He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk. He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, Driving much faster with just half a load. Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, "ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"
ChristmasChristmas Letter
Christmas Letter Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married, Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid surgery, has she? Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom. Merry Christmas. Love, Mom
ChristmasWhat To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like
What To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like Top Ten Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like 10. Hey! There's a gift! 9. Well, well, well ... 8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit. 7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement. 6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires. 5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious! 4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program. 2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity. And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like: 1. "I really don't deserve this."
ChristmasCarols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and...... Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
ChristmasThe Christmas Story
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see. And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.
ChristmasChristmas Riddles
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month? The letter "D". What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs? Anything you want. He can't hear you! What do you call a chicken at the North Pole? Lost. Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist! What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens. What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes? A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum) What's red and white and red and white and red and white? Santa Claus rolling down a hill. Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous? Holly-wood. Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean? Because snow man is an island.
ChristmasA Dog's Rules For Christmas
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans. 2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours. 3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers. 4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: a. Don't pee on the tree b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree 5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans b. Don't eat off the buffet table c. Beg for goodies subtly d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach 6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house c. Tolerate children d. Turn on your charm big time 7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!