Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
A Mother's Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disasterFeedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.Verbal: Able to whine in wordsWhodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
MarriageA kid's view on marriage
What Exactly Is Marriage?"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years oldHow Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years oldConcerning the Proper Age to Get Married"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years oldHow Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years oldWhat Do Most People Do on a Date?"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years oldWhen Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years oldThe Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old
DoctorI can afford something imported
Doctor: Shall I gave your wife a local anaesthetic?? Businessman: ?Certainly not. I can afford something imported..?.
DoctorYoung son has swallowed a coin
The frantic-looking lady came rushing out of her house into the street and cried: ?Help! Help! My young son has swallowed a coin and is choking. I don?t know what to do!? Everyone looked the other way, except for a middle-aged gentleman who rushed into the lady?s house, found her young son, turned him upside down and shook him until the coin fell out of his mouth. ?Oh, thank you!? cried the lady. ?Are you a doctor?? ?No madam,? replied the middle-aged man. ?I?m from the Income Tax Department.?
DoctorWhy are you looking so worried
Doctor?s wife: ?Why are you looking so worried, dear?? Doctor: ?I think I?ve at last cured that Smith fellow.? Doctor?s wife: ?So why are you so worried?? Doctor: ?I?ve given him so many pills and potions I can?t work out which one worked.?
DoctorDoctor, do you think that I will live until Im a hundred?
Patient: ?Doctor, do you think that I will live until I?m a hundred?? Doctor: ?Do you smoke or drink?? Patient: ?No.? Doctor: ?Do you drive fast cars, gamble, or play around with women?? Patient: ?Certainly not!? Doctor: ?Then what do you want to live to a hundred for??
DoctorDoctor can i give him sedative
Pretty young nurse: ?Doctor, every time I take this young man?s pulse it gets faster. Should I give him a sedative?? Doctor: ?No. Just give him a blindfold.?
DoctorDoctor takes patient temperature
Doctor: ?Nurse! Did you take this patient?s temperature?? Nurse: ?Why, doctor? Is it missing??
DoctorA very interesting fact
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!
DoctorA man with a glass eye is here to see you
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
ComputerAbraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95
Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95.Isaac is incredulous. 'Pop,' he says, 'you can't run Windows 95 on yourold, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with aminimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95.'But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, 'Godwill provide the RAM, my son'.
ComputerAcronyms
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry AcronymsISDN It Still Does NothingAPPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing EntitySCSI System Can't See ItDOS Defunct Operating SystemBASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry ControlIBM I Blame MicrosoftDEC Do Expect CutsCD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in MonthsOS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.WWW World Wide WaitMACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
ComputerABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEETS WINDOWS95
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEETS WINDOWS95 Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get? Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM. Abbot: That's terrific, Lou. Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!! Abbot: You will in time. Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you. Abbot: Oh? Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert. Abbot: Well, I don't know- Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me. Abbot: Really? Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson. Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do you want to know? Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off. Abbot: That's true. Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do? Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then- Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off. Abbot: I know, you press the Start button- Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do. Abbot: I did. Costello: When? Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button. Costello: Why should I press the Start button? Abbot: To shut off the computer. Costello: I press Start to stop. Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer. Costello: I knew it! So what do I press. Abbot: Start Costello: Start what? Abbot: Start button. Costello: Start button to do what? Abbot: Shut down. Costello: You don't have to get rude! Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant. Costello: Then say what you mean. Abbot: To shut down the computer, press- Costello: Don't say, "Start!" Abbot: Then what do you want me to say? Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop. Abbot: But that's what you do. Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights. Abbot: Don't be ridiculous. Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation. Abbot: What are you talking about? Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
ComputerA Synopsis of the Microsoft Car
A Synopsis of the Microsoft Car At a recent computer expo (Comdex), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that get 100 miles to the gallon." Recently, General Motors addresses this comment by releasing this statement, "yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" Below is a synopsis of the Microsoft Car: Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. for some strange reason, you would accept this too. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times faster, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades for their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. The oil, gas and alternator lights would be replaced with single "general car fault" lights. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
ComputerA mother was teaching her three year old daughter
A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
ComputerA hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center
A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center andregistered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyedwater sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and wasvery small. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him apenguin.
ComputerA helicopter was flying around above Seattle
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electricalmalfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communicationequipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine hisposition or course to steer to the airport.The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwrittedsign and held it in the helicopter's window.The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a largesign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN AHELICOPTER".The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steerto SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU AREIN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me atechnically correct but completely useless answer".
ChristmasAn Internet Christmas
T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,While visions of Java danced in their dreams.My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.When what to my wondering eyes should appear,My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",Then into my room rose a full hologram!He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,As he added the latest version of Netscape.The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,Back into the net with barely a blink.But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
ChristmasAddicted to the Web
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',I'm happy -- althoughMy boss let me go --Happily addicted to the Web.All night long, I sit clicking,Unaware time is ticking,There's beard on my cheek,Same clothes for a week,Happily addicted to the Web!Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"I don't phone, don't send faxes,Don't go out, don't pay taxes,Who cares if somedayThey drag me away?I'm happily addicted to the Web!Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)
ChristmasA parent's night before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the houseI searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.Instructions were studied and we were inspired,In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!When what to my worrying eyes should appear,But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,With each part numbered and every slot named,So if we failed, only we could be blamed.More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,All over the carpet they were scattered about."Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.""Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."And then in a twinkling, I knew for a factThat all the toy dealers had indeed made a pactTo keep parents busy all Christmas Eve nightWith "assembly required" till morning's first light.We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thinBefore we attached the last rod and last pin.Then laying the tools away in the chest,We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.But I said to my husband just before I passed out,"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,And not have to run to the store for a thing!We did it! We did it! The toys are all setFor the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!