Jokes
The best one-liners and long jokes — animal, marriage, doctor, school and more.
A Dublin Lawyer Died In Poverty
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. ''Only a shilling to bury an attorney?'', said the Justice, ''Here's a guinea, go and bury 20 of them.''
ChildrenBack to school
Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."
MenArmless man
A man walks into the bathroom and sees another guy standing at the urinal with no arms. the guy goes, "man, u really gotta help me man!!! i really gotta go to the bathroom but as u can see i aint got no arms!" so the other guy hesitates, looks around, and then unzips the guys fly 4 him. "well, could... could you get it out for me?" so the other guy sighs, looks around, and gets ready to pull it out when, he notices its all swollen and scabby and infected. with a bad look, he takes it out quickly and gets ready to leave when he asks, "could-- could you hold it for me?" the guy gets ready to say no, but, seeing the situation, he felt sorry for the guy. so, he looks around again, and holds it. so the guy does is businuss and gets all done. so when the guy gets ready to leave again, the other guy says, "well um... could u put it back in?" so the guy looks around once again, hesitates and puts it back in. "thanks man! thanks!" he says. the guy couldn't help it, he said, "man, whats the matter with it? its all red a scabby and swollen!" so the armless guy sticks his arms out of his shirt and says, "i dunno, dude, thats why i got you to hold it!"
ChildrenA wise schoolteacher
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
MenAre You Sure
Drinking A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."
MenAn American In Jamaica
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married and they were honeymooning in Jamaica, the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mon that says, 'Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day'".
MenAdvanced Newborn
A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am." The baby said "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, I am," she said. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born" he said. He then looked at his father and asked "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father answered. The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"
MenA Night Out At The Strip Joint
Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?" Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
MenA Good Cold
After a long day at the office the woman sat back in her seat on the train and waited for it to pull out of the station. Just then a middle-aged man settled into the seat next to her. All of a sudden the man sneezed loudly, before proceeding to unzip his trousers, wiping his penis with his hankerchief. Horrified, the woman edged away and buried her head in her book... Just then he sneezed again. Once again he unzipped himself and wiped his penis. Now very uncomfortable, the woman glared at him in disgust... but he did it again... sneezed, unzipped his trousers and wiped his penis... the woman could not contain her herself any longer. "What on earth are you doing?!" She cried... The man looked embarrassed.. "Well you see," he replied, "I have this cold at the moment... every time I sneeze I have an orgasm" "Oh dear!" exclaimed the woman, "that must be terrible... What are you taking for it" ..."Pepper" he replied.
MenA Few Q And As
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A. Slow down and use a lubricant. Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy? A. Money Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job? A. After five years your job will still suck. Q. What's the difference between you and your paycheck? A. Your wife will blow your check. Q. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A. A man who hates every bone in a woman's body except his own. Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A. Because most men are stupid, but few are blind. Q. What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? A. They've both swallowed a lot of seamen. Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? A. It's not hard. Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist beach? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist beach? A. She is the one who can eat the last donut! Q. What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom? A. A pick-pocket snatches watches. Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering? A. More head room. Q. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? A. They are both used as a substitute for meat. Q. What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs? A. One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year. Q. What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't? A. A bellybutton. Q. Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts? A. Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
ChildrenPizza Coupon
Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came home with the pizza, and the coupon. When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."
Men90 Year Old Wanker
What do you call a 90-year-old man who can still masturbate? Miracle whip!
HumorFootball Macth
A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, - "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer. Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
HumorMagic Johnson On Rollerblades
What do you call Magic Johnson on rollerblades? ROLLAIDS!
HumorGolf Shorts-4
1. Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them? A. Just in case they get a hole in one. 2. Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!" Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir!" 3. Golfer: "My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me!" Caddy: "I'm sure you will miss her terribly, sir!" 4. Golfer: "Well caddy, do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf.
HumorSid And Barney Play Golf
Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?" "What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!" "And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
HumorTiger Woods vs. Stevie Wonder
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer. Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $100,000?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says, "OK, it's your money... when do you want to play?" Stevie replies, "I'll play on any NIGHT you choose!"
HumorMinnesota Vikings
Q:Why don't Viking players jump into the stands? A:Because empty seats hurt.
ChildrenDo You Pray Before Eating?
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"
HumorI'm Not Fishing
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman. "I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff. "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..." Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!